And the answers are in . . . Entry for March 30, 2007

You know how sometimes you just got to get everything out in the open, to have it stare you blindly in the face, before you finally listen to your own self, even though it’s a reflection of everyone’s thoughts around you? I probably knew the answer to my last post’s question from the day I read his email about having a girlfriend, but it felt so good to be with someone again, even if just for a little while.
He says he’s getting hammered in the polls (lol), but he’s hammering himself as well. Intensity rushed in, alongside longing, desire and affection, unlooked for, but there, nevertheless. But could I ever trust someone who would cheat, even if it was just to be with me (or was I one of many)? I am by no means secure in my self-image stability. But that doesn’t matter now.

Being “just friends” will be OK with me, one can never have too many friends. This whole situation got me to thinking about my last ex, Shawn, who I still keep in touch with though when he left me he went back to his ex-wife and kids. He was also over ten years younger than me, like the situation with my friend and his girlfriend, and also we were together nearly 3 years kind of like Mo and his girlfriend too.

It got me starting to wonder if Shawn was thinking of our future and our age difference, is that when our relationship fell apart? I dunno, but Shawn has been emailing me several times this week, I’m gonna ask him. Mo and me have been discussing our hopeless situation, and we’ve decided that he’s a dumbass, lol. He reads my blog (as well as his buddy) so I have to make him pretty anonymous, but talk about him I shall (waves to Mo, gives buddy the finger, lol).

We know that in his current state of affairs (no pun intended) continuing a “physical” relationship wouldn’t work for either of us, emotions would drift in for sure, and feelings would get hurt. So now we’re trying to keep the banter light and stay away from the heavy stuff underneath. Neither of us expected this strong attraction that suddenly built up.

But I put up my self-built protective wall and haven’t released the full depth of my being during passion play (not to mention technically we haven’t had sex), that would be unfair on my part. But we do enjoy each other’s “stimulating” company, though this week’s pleasant pastime has to come to an end soon, and we both know it. The ending date is set for Tuesday morning or night, depending on my schedule. I might end up in court that day.

Well, wish me luck as I travail though this emotional quicksand I call my life story . . .