Forcing myself to write . . . Entry for May 5, 2008

I’m forcing myself to write this while stoned and watching "Deadliest Catch". Holding everything in like I have been is doing me no good. Recently my ex boyfriend got back in touch with me and we talked for hours over several days and passed an email or two. I had sent him hello messages and replied to some supposedly by him, but were actually written by his ex who knew his password.

I had thought so just by the way she typed, Darkshard can’t spell for shit and she could, lol. We reminisced about good times and touched on the bad ones and how we had everything going wrong all at the same time and how our break up inevitable, but not due to lack of love.

So for a week, I was happy, even though he had a new girlfriend (who was in jail at the time). It was heaven being able to talk to him again, to feel his love. I decided then that I was going to save all my money for months and move myself, dogs and remaining minor son to Louisiana. I had made myself a goal and was going to stick to it.

The last time he called me, it was in the evening and he was at his ex’s with his girlfriend, but he sneaked off to talk to me. He told me how much he loved me but was giving me mixed messages, saying how he can’t make it alone in LA. I told him I understood, but I still wanted to move there, I didn’t care who he was with as long as I got to share some life with him. He told me again how much he loved me and said he’d call the next day.

Well I’ve been waiting a couple weeks now for that "next day" and still no call or email. . .

Down in a Hole . . . Entry for April 20, 2008

This video from Alice in Chains (Down in a Hole) represents what my life has been like for months now. No good news to report really, my depression has been getting the better of me. My job history has been nearly non existent for months, so cash flow has been bringing me down and I don’t really have a love life to speak of. It seems the couple of guys I hooked up with only call me when they’re drunk, which is another bummer.

Even writing has gotten to be something that has suffered due to my mood, and that was always my one outlet that never let me down. Winter is over and spring is here, but it gives me no comfort either. Living in the same house with my ex husband has turned out to be more difficult than I imagined. His alcoholism and attitude has taken a toll on my mental/emotional well being.
I’m trying to pull myself out of this hole, but it’s harder than a man’s dick while watching a porn flick. I’m still on my meds, but the benefits have worn off.

One major problem is that I miss living in the country so much. That really surprised me since I've lived in the city most of my life, but I had peace living in that trailer next to the little lake. Being able to walk outside naked (or nearly so) and commune with nature, fishing whenever I wanted, taking walks through the woods, I miss it all so much. But I don’t miss the slow dialup anymore, lol.

Anyways, Happy 420 y’all . . .

I’ve just realized my sex life is like a . . . Entry for January 17, 2008

I’ve come to the conclusion that moving back to the city has stifled my writing creativity and that really sux ass dude. Now I find that it takes getting myself really stoned to motivate me, to write so here I am. I got really stoned with a certain married Cuban male I’ve had some fun with over the summer and once in the fall in my basement, but I can’t remember if I blogged about it or not.

Anyways, I get this call early this evening from Frank (mmmm, that sexy Latino way he has) and we chit chat for a bit and I thought he was calling for Ed since he’s done some carpet and floor work for him, but Ed was sleeping. I asked him if he knew where to get some decent smoke. He said he only had a little, but I could come over to his house and smoke it with him.

You don’t have to ask me twice so I said sure, but I was still in my PJ’s and would have to get dressed and stuff, but he said no problem. Now mind you I have been sick in bed all day with a cold, nursing my cough with Codeine cough medicine and look like shit, but time was ticking.

I took a quick whore’s bath and threw on a two piece black crushed velvet looking pant outfit. A little eyebrows, some eyeliner and deep colored lip gloss, grab my coat and I was out the door. I was now a woman on a mission, lol. I had only been to his house once before and it was in the daylight, but I was sure I would be able to spot his van with work trailer attached.

It was misty-rainy while I drove, and I was nervous, trying to remember where the house was. I didn’t have his cell phone number to call and ask for directions either, so I was on my own. Just when I thought I had driven too far down the road, I spotted the house and pulled in the driveway. As I got out of the car, I wondered just how much time we would have together before his wife got home.

He answered the door with a smile and after closing the door behind me, we hugged saying it had been a long time, with him running his hand down to my ass. I took off my trench coat (mine looks a little better than Colombo’s) and wasted no time asking where the pot was.

We went into the kitchen and smoked some killer bud from his gravity bong (google gravity bong) and got really stoned. While he loaded the bowl, I lowered my hand down his body and stroked his stiffening cock through his shorts. I kept coughing though, cause it was some strong shit and I do have a cold, but lowered his shorts little by little.

Another toke on the bong and subsequent coughing fit later, I had his shorts half off and his cock in my mouth. I bent low and licked and sucked while he guided the back of my head down with one hand as the other hand played with my tits. Not that I needed to be guided, but I liked it anyways (grin).

When I finally came up for air, I said "We need a better place to do this and I want to smoke one more hit first". I guess I was in super suck mode, because when I inhaled the bong hit I sucked up some water. Good thing Frank had just changed the water. He gestured over to the sink and spit the bong-water out as I exhaled and had another coughing fit.

My head was spinning in a good way as I walked into the living room and started taking off my boots, then my clothes. I sat naked on the couch and watched him undress. I admired his tight young body, well muscled and sexy. My pussy got wet as he came over to me and my waiting mouth.

I swallowed his cock as far as I could, but Frank is well endowed and my throat was sore from my cold. It wasn’t long before I grabbed for my purse and started hunting for my "lucky" condom (lucky because if I used it, it meant I was getting lucky, lol). Purses gather so many old receipts and insurance and business cards, among other junk and though I’d seen it in my purse a million times before, I couldn’t find it now.

That was no problem though, Frank had his own and we got busy. I was going to lay on my back on the living room carpet when he whispered "No, on all fours, I like it that way" and I grinned. I think his main attraction to me is my ass, he likes to look at it from above he told me, so I was glad to comply.

I stuck my ass up in the air and balanced myself with one arm while the other hand fed his cock to my hungry pussy. I tilted my hips back so he could penetrate me deeper and started playing with my clit while he fucked me and got the juices flowing.

Moans escaped as I rubbed my clit faster in time with his thrusts, and after only a few minutes, he pulls out and says "I can’t do this now, I keep looking at the clock." I turned my head and looked at him and it seemed that the tip was filled to me, so I guess he was embarrassed he came so fast. I think the danger of it all took him over the edge too soon

He said "This is wrong . . ." (which of course it was) and some other stuff, but I didn’t let that bother me. I started dressing while he went into the bathroom to clean up and get rid of the evidence. By the time he came out I had my trench back on and was reaching for my purse.

He was apologizing and he said it was just the place, blah blah blah, so I told him to call me tomorrow. I got a piece of the small bud he had left so I could get stoned later and put it in my cigarette pack and headed towards the door. I hugged him and grabbed his ass and invited him over tomorrow.

And that’s why I’ve just realized my sex life is like a porn movie script . . .