Forcing myself out of the box . . . Entry for January 30, 2007

Going to the therapist last Friday and spilling my soul was pretty easy for me. I knew it was the first step in my getting better and throwing off this encompassing depression, so I spilled my guts. Well most of my guts anyways, I tried to cover as much emotional territory in the meager hour that was allotted to me. That therapy session allowed me to get an appointment to see a psychiatrist so I could get back on meds again.

As I’ve sifted though all my inner turmoil, one thing has become clear to me: my kids are driving me fucking nuts! I’m serious, they are the main source of all the negative emotions in my life. If my twin teenage sons represented a relationship I was having with someone, I would have kicked ‘em to the curb loooong before now.

I feel real bad sometimes that I’m starting to countdown to when my last child turns 18 and I am finally free of the yoke of Motherhood. By that time I will have been a mother for nearly 30 years. Since I was s16 years old I’ve had someone to take care of constantly and I’m tired. It’s a thankless job that is really starting to take it toll on me.

I started writing this post last week, but never finished, because at the time I was working on another post and really it was more like getting my feelings out in the open (for myself) and examining them honestly. Since then (this past weekend) my home life has gone straight to hell because of my 16-year-old twin boys.

I’ve mentioned the problems I’ve had with my teens several times in my blogs, and I’ve also written about the good times. This time I’m writing about the worst of times. I’ve had to do something I had hoped never to have to do again, find placement for my kids cause I refuse to tolerate ANYONE putting their hands on me, and both of them crossed that brightly glowing neon line.

My family life has gone to shit with these kids, and my “problem child” has medical issues for being the way he is (Tourette’s and ADHD). But now his blatant defiance to want to do anything that’s his responsibility has rubbed off on his twin brother. And I’m not talking about trying to make them do something horrendous or untoward, all I want is for them to do their chores COMPLETELY without me having to stand their and make them get it done.

It started actually Thursday night when my son Vaughan didn’t finish the dishes (2nd day in a row) after I’d gotten on him twice about it. Instead he said he was “too tired” and was dozing on the couch, and I got pissed off and told him just to go to bed, I wasn’t up to another round of fighting.

During the night one of my cats had jumped up on the counter and knocked over a Corning ware plate, which literally shattered into hundreds of tiny pieces. Well Vaughan started arguing that the broken plate (my favoite plate!) wasn’t his fault, and my younger son Steven should have used a foam disposable plate instead (which he did at first, but sliced through it when he was cutting up his pork chop, so grabbed a regular plate).

I argued back that he should have washed ALL the dishes in the first place, and it wouldn’t have happened. Of course he disagreed with me and I told him if he argued again, I’d give him the dishes for another week as punishment. He just couldn’t keep his mouth shut and I told him that’s it, you got dishes again.

At that point he defied me and said he didn’t and I said “Yes you fucking do, you want em for the whole month? Just keep flapping them lips!” Well if looks could kill, I probably would have been dead and he answered me back with something like “The hell I am!” and went out the back door.

I had already taken away my twin’s shoes, jackets and glasses since they were being such assholes. So here I am, barefoot running out the back door after my son, and told him to get his ass back in the fucking house. Defiant still, he told me he wouldn’t until I calmed down. Unknown to him I had taken a Xanax so I was about as calm as I was going to get under the circumstances.

I told him I’d calm down (I wasn’t acting ballistic or enraged) once he got back in the house, and he still refused. So I gave him the old “I’m gonna count . . .” routine, and got as far as 2 when he mocked me with “3,4, 5” and that’s when I really got pissed. I went over to him and grabbed him by the nape of his neck (hair included) and told him he was coming back in the house.

I wasn’t trying to hit, hurt or abuse him, I just wanted him to comply with my wishes, but that’s when he decided to grab my upper arm and dig his fingers in hard. I still had him by the head and hair and laughed at him and said “So that’s the way you want to play? Dig harder then, I’ll have you on charges of assault!” and he did dig in harder.

I let go and told him to get his motherfucking ass in the house or he was going to make me do something I’d regret. I guess it finally hit him that I was NOT playing around and he went inside. I was holding myself together by the grace of god alone, and told him I was going down the street and the dishes better be done when I got back.

I jumped in my car and lost it comepletly. How could my “good twin” do this to me? Hysterical, I went to my friends house and attempted to get hold of my ex husband, because I refuse to have anyone lay their hands on me, whether it’s my own child or someone else. I left a message for him (mostly incoherent) to get a hold of me and that I wanted Vaughan to go live with him, I was tired of the shit.

I showed her the fresh bruise on my arm and we talked about my options. She was able to calm me down some, and I went home after a bit. I informed my son that I didn’t have to put up with that shit and he had several choices: 1) he could forfeit all his money (over 100$) and stay; 2) he could go into the Job Corps program; or 3) go live with his Dad. I told him he could let me know his decision the next day.

After all this shit, my youngest and my “evil twin” children started fighting again. During the course of the argument Shayne (my problem child) threw a piece of whittled stick at my youngest’s face (Steven just had ear surgery less than 2 weeks ago).

Shayne didn’t know I knew that little fact, so I asked him what happened, and he lied and stated “Nothing”. So I go “Really? So you didn’t throw that stick at Steven?” and he knew he had been caught. I was so fed up with all of Shayne’s lies by that time I told him the next time he lied to me, I was going to slap his face.

Well I went into my room and tried to “destress” but then I heard stuff being dragged into the living room from the boys’ room and went to see what was going on. Shayne was packing his things and putting them in there, so I asked “What the fuck are you doing?” He told me that since Vaughan got to go, he wanted to go too. I said “Uh uh, Vaughan doesn’t GET to go, he HAS to go”.

I told him that he’s got a medical reason why he’s an asshole, but his brother doesn’t. I also explained that Vaughan crossed a line when he put his hands on me, and that he can’t use that “self defense” bullshit cause I wasn’t trying to beat him up. I finally defused the situation and made everyone go to bed super early.

The next day came and I ordered Shayne and Steven to finish cleaning their room (again). I was still stockpiling their shoes and jackets in an attempt to foil their efforts of running away, just in case. Vaughan was quiet and somewhat subdued while continuing to clean the kitchen he never finished the day before when Shayne started arguing with his brother again

I can’t remember now what the fight was about, but he lied to me again, and I slapped his face like I promised. Now before you start freaking out, this was more of a “wake the fuck up I mean what I say” slap on his cheek rather than me trying to hurt him. It didn’t even leave a red mark, but what he did to me next did.

He struck my forearm hard enough to swell up a vein there and cause a 3-inch bruise. That was it, stick a fork in me I was DONE! He apparently hid a pair of holey sneakers and a jacket cause the next thing I know he’s sprinting out the back door and onto his bike. I was right on his heels and knocked him off the bike, so he took off running on foot.

I was only wearing flip flops so I ran back inside and grabbed my shoes, cell phone and car keys and said to hell with a jacket. I dialed my friend down the street and she didn’t see him running that way, but told me I needed to call 911 and they would get the Sheriff’s office for me, so I did. I drove down the road for about a mile in one direction, and then a mile in the other direction, but didn’t see him.

The Sheriff called my on my cell and after giving him the abridged version of what happened, he said he was on his way. I stopped at another neighbor’s house to ask if she had seen him running through their field when her husband drove up and said they had just spotted him down the road. The Sheriff called me back again and I updated him on Shayne’s whereabouts and he told me to wait right there for him.

He pulled up a couple minutes later and I had him follow me in his cruiser to the place where my son was seen, and there he was. The officer handcuffed him and put him in his patrol car and suggested we take him to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation, because the local children’s psychiatric hospital didn’t do intakes on the weekend.

So we go there and he gets checked out and the psyche nurse tells me they don’t admit juveniles there, but did recommend that we take him to the children’s psychiatric hospital for evaluation. I followed the officer in my car and we were shown into the intake office. As soon as the clerk comes in, she gives me this funny look and asks me “Do I know you?”

It was the same clerk that had done the intake paperwork on my son the last time I tried to get him admitted and was denied. Back then I asked the asshole Physician that said it was just a behavioral problem and not a medical issue “So what am I supposed to do?” and he replied “Bring him back in if it happens again.“ meaning his violent behavior.

I looked at her and said “Yea, we were turned away, remember? Well, he did it again, and this time to me” and I showed her the bruise. The paperwork seemed to take forever, and then it was still up in the air on wether or not he would be admitted, but I think the clerk said something to the attending, because they accepted him. I cried I was so happy, because my son needs help that I just can’t give him.

All this started about 1:30 pm and now it was after 9. I was emotionally and physically drained and still had problems to face once I got home. I decided to let my other son Vaughan sleep on his decision one more night, but he has chosen to live with his Dad. Now my only problem is getting my ex out here to come get him since his vehicle has been having problems.

Today I have started on my road to recovery. I managed to keep my psychiatrist appointment and he’s put me on several medications that have stabilized my mood (thank god!). Hopefully I won’t have to stay on them too long, but for now it’s such a relief to know the end of my depression is in sight.

The slideshow above is of me and my boys during happier times . . . why can’t they stay 5 forever?

Pssst! Wanna know a secret? (part 2) . . . Entry for January 26, 2007

Where was I before time so rudely interrupted? That’s right, I was on my knees again, sucking Lars’ cock in front of the couch. I had my long raven pulled back from my face so the strands wouldn’t interfere with my blow job (I hate when that happens, lol). As I nibbled and licked and looked up into his appreciative eyes, my mouth started moaning around the cock penetrating my face.

I love it when a man enjoys watching his cock slide in and out of my mouth. It’s so erotic, when our eyes connect, and I watch the pleasure his face. I makes my panties wet, if I’m wearing any, lol. Also the thrill (I must honestly admit) that we were doing something wrong in the living room where he spends time with his wife and the risk of being caught was making my pussy pulse.

He his travelling hands stroked my back on their trek down to their final destination, my ass. He seems to really love my soft, round bubble butt a lot! His cock was getting harder and harder by the second, filling my mouth and aiming for the back of my throat, trying not to gag. I stopped stroking his cock and reached down with my trembling right hand and started playing with my pussy, never missing a lick.

My God I was soaked! I know this sounds weird, but I suspect pussy juices emit potent pheromones (maybe it’s my bush, or just my love of all pussy in general). And I’ve also been told (I know this sounds conceited, but just I’m just stating facts) that my pussy is pretty tasty. So I fingered my self and got my digits all wet and creamy, removed my hand and raised it to his mouth for a taste, where he licked my cream off his fingers.

Funny thing happened then, it dawned on me at that point that Lars had never eaten my pussy, though he’d been all up in it with my dildo and vibe. He thoroughly enjoyed making me cum all those times, but I started wondering what was up with the no oral sex for me thing? But I quickly put that mood killing thought out of my mind and just concentrated enjoying the moment.

As soon as I started gagging on his cock, I couldn’t wait; I had to have him inside my dripping wet pussy.
I raised up off my knees and turned around, putting my pussy and phat ass right in his face, letting him have a good look. “Mmmmm . . .” he said kissing both cheeks as I spit on my fingers and unnecessarily wet my swollen, pink pussy lips even more.

I scooted back, grabbed an ass cheek in each hand while his fist held his cock tightly upright, and slowly I lowered my body down, savoring ever inch along the way, pulsing my pussy muscles tight on his hardon. I guess another thing I’m vain about is my outstanding pussy muscle control, lol.

I can squeeze real tight, or try to push him out while shoving myself down on his dick harder. I can fuck a guy and not have to move up or down at all. More chicks should learn this trick, it drives men fucking nuts! (My hot sex tip for the month, lol). I sat there on his lap, internally fucking his stiff cock, and then started gyrating my hips with him still deep inside me.

I had good training in moving my hips seductively as a lap dancer back in the 80’s the Mitchell Brother’s O’Farrell St, Theatre in San Francisco (of “Deep Throat” and Linda Lovelace fame). It was something similar to fucking thorough clothes, for about a dollar per 30 seconds or so, but that’s another story for another day, lol.

I then leaned forward, reached behind me and grabbed an ass cheek in each hand, and spread them apart, giving him excellent view of his cock fucking me from behind, lol. I wish I could watch a man fuck me from his point of view, but I don’t have a video cam anymore, I suspect that he wanted to fuck me in the ass, but that’s only something I do when I’m in love, so I knew that wasn’t going to happen.

Instead I reached behind me and stuck my finger in my own ass, (hell yea it feels good!) and got really turned on feeling his cock fuck my pussy through that thin wall that separates both holes. He started pumping my pussy faster, when I took the other hand and started rubbing my clit and the top of his dick while we fucked. I could feel my pussy squirt as I moaned loudly and started orgasming.

Sliding my pussy down on his cock as far as it would go, I ground Lars’ dick in to my g-spot while squeezing my muscles tightly on the shaft and came even more. I leaned backward and placed his hands on my tits under my thermal shirt, while I bounced away on my firm, fleshy chair. Leaning forward I fucked him just faster when he gasped “If you don’t stop I’m gonna cum!”

Well that statement just sent me over the edge and I could feel my cum dripping down onto the balls that were lightly slapping into my clit. I came hard again leaned back, gasping “Go for it Dude!” and squeezed and pulsed my pussy as tight and fast as it would go, which just made me orgasm even more and finally set him off.

I felt him start to tense and shake and soon my already wet pussy started filling up as he kissed and moaned into my ear. I didn’t want to stop, and every time I twitched my pussy tighter, I felt him spasm again inside me . I sat there in his lap with his arms around me for a few minutes while our passion subsided, but then reality kicked in and I got up to clean myself in his bathroom.

He offered me a towel and a shower and I asked him “Dude! Are you crazy? We can’t afford for me to get caught in your shower over here!” He laughed and smiled, thanking me “You’re so right!” I could tell he appreciated my thoughtfulness, but there was no way I was going to take a chance getting caught in a compromising position over his house. I try to live a major drama free life (yea right, like that shows, lol).

I quickly put my pants back on, and went into his bathroom where he was taking a quick rinse to wash me off of him. I opened the shower door and he turned towards me and I watched the water rain down all over his body. I grabbed him by the hips and drew his dick into my mouth again, gently sucking, and licking and tasting every inch of his semi.

It was a turn on, squatting down with drops of water intermittently dripping down my face and making my hair damp and cling to my head, while he moaned in pleasure. I got up so he could dry off and we went back in the kitchen and talked about his home life some more. My heart went out to him, because I don’t like to see anyone unhappy, and we hugged, kissed and held each other off and on during our conversation.

By this time it was after noon, and I reluctantly had to drag myself away. He didn’t seem to want me to go either, but told me to call him the next day first thing in the morning and we’d try to hook up again. I was ecstatic! That sex session had barely whetted my, er, rather large sexual appetite and I wanted some more.

So with plans made for the next day, and I went next door to my friend’s house on a flimsy (but plausible) excuse to see how she was doing. OK, OK, and also to check if my car had been seen next door. She was in the middle of a serious financial crisis and was very upset (understandably). Panic had set in for so we talked and I tried to calm her down and offer some possible solutions.

We talked for a bit and then as I was leaving, she asked me how long I was over at her uncles’ house. I honestly told her, I wasn’t sure cause I was too excited going over there to notice the time, but I didn’t tell her that part. I said we had just talked about him hauling away metal.

Then I quickly changed the subject by going on about how HUGE his 11-month-old Rottweiller was getting. Lars’ dog is so big it can stand in front of his kitchen table and rest his chin on it! It was obvious that I was changing the subject, but she was so upset that I don’t think she noticed.

I was excited about seeing him the next day, but promised myself I wouldn’t get upset if he cancelled. I planned on making him biscuits and gravy for breakfast and surprising him with a morning picnic. The day before he told me that his wife makes only pancakes or Poptarts for breakfast and he hates both, so I decided to do something nice.

Also I wanted to make sure he had enough fuel to go more than one round with me this time this time. I had even went to Wal-Mart and bought a sexy, slinky top/dress that was on clearance with some of my dwindling cash supply (I had 69$ left to last me 2 weeks, I’m wearing it in the picture above). I wanted everything to be perfect because I knew his layoff ends this next Monday and it was probably the last time we’d be able to hook up for a while.

Well, to make a long story short, he never came over, and never answered my phone or text messages. I kicked myself in the ass for being so goddamn stupid . . . again no less! So it’s been days now since I’ve heard from him, and I left him a couple more unanswered generic messages, all very friendly, after all I’m not going to go psycho over this guy.

Sure I was kinda falling in love with him (I freely admit it!) but I’m not one to chase after lost causes. Those crazy, juvenile days of stalking are over for me, though I have done just that in the past. Realistically, it’s just not smart to play in your own back yard with someone else’s toys, that kind of shit can get you killed in Redneckland.

So yesterday I deleted his number off my cell phone and today sent him a final text message. This is what I wrote: “Hi Lars, I can take a hint, your silence says it all. It’s just as well, I was halfway falling in love with you anyways, and that’d be stupid of me. Call me when you’re single again, if you want, otherwise goodbye.” So there you are, my short but sweet (and hopefully last) affair with a married man (you’re right, never say never, lol).

I have no regrets, other than it sure would have been nice to have some steady lovin’ with someone that I felt some close connection to, though I still never could figure out why. But who can rationalize feelings anyway? Sometimes they just happen whether we like them to or not, and it totally sux ass when it’s one sided on your part. Realizing when to give up, now THAT’s the hard part.

Oh well, you live and (hopefully) you learn . . .

Pssst! Wanna know a secret? (part 1) . . . Entry for January 25, 2007

OK, I haven’t been posting EVERYthing that has been going on in my life lately, mostly due to the fact that I’m trying to protect the guilty. By the time you (dear reader, lol) finally read this though, it (probably) won’t matter anymore, or at least I hope it won’t.

Considering my current shitty emotional/mental state, it’s not good for me to keep all of this in. I can’t "publicly" post this right now because the parties involved have told me to keep it on the down low. So I’m gong to at least write it al out and get it out of my system.

I have been having an affair for the last few weeks with "Lars", the married guy who lives next door to my friend down the road. I know, I know, like when I wrote about him the first time (On being stupid . . . Entry for December 17, 2006), I know I’m being stupid, but I don’t care.

I "feel" something with this guy (even though I know better) that I haven’t felt with the other men I’ve been with since my last relationship ended. I don’t even have a clue as to why I’m so physically attracted to him, considering he’s not really my "type" (he’s a little older than me, for one).

He’s a very passionate lover even with the occasional "Mr. ED" problems. I’m attracted to him in so many different ways, but most of all it’s how I feel when I have my arms around him, and he’s holding me tight, it just feels so "right".

I know what you’re thinking, it’s the fact that he’s married and I can’t have him that makes me want him, but you’re wrong. I’ve had my chance with JD (remember him? he’s married too), and I don’t want him because he’s married. Well that and I’m not attracted to him in the least like I am Lars.

Remember too, about my conviction concerning not letting a married man penetrate me? I threw that rule straight out the window after Lars kissed me for the first time. I don’t know why, but I wanted him that first time really, really bad.

The next time we got together, he had hiked a half a mile through the woods to come see me at my trailer. He left his truck in his own driveway so no one would see it at my place and say something. He asked my not to say anything to my friend about us seeing each other and I agreed. The last thing I want is for him to get in trouble.

That time he came over was really fucking hot! We sat in the living room and got stoned, listening to Nine Inch Nails sing "Closer" ("I want to fuck you like an animal . . ."). I was already barely dressed, wearing only a scarf around my hips in an accentuating form of modesty, lol.

It wasn’t long before I had his pants off and was making love to him with my mouth. Of course it didn’t stop there and we spent the whole morning (3 hrs) making love in my bed. Sex with Lars is so . . . it’s hard to describe. I guess you would say sensual and erotic, but very, very comfortable as well. Which is surprising, because we haven’t known each other all that long to have achieved that level of comfort.

I’m not inhibited whatsoever, so ever since we first started having sex, I’ve always included my toys. He seems to enjoy the hell out of watching my pussy squirt and throb, and I love watching his face while he does it (grin). His wife (long story there) is this little bitty skinny thing, but he really seems to enjoy every inch of my warm, soft, plush body too.

He loves watching my face (whether his cock is in my mouth or not, hehehe) and is constantly telling me how beautiful I am (who doesn’t like to hear that, lol?). And it’s not just the physical compatibility, comfort and attentiveness that is such an attraction, I really like him as a friend and person.

I honestly did try staying away from him, but when I saw his truck drive down the road Sunday, I couldn’t resist and I called his cell phone. I asked him if he still collected scrap metal for recycling, cause I have an old metal futon that needs carting off. It was a lame excuse, I know, but plausible, lol.

He told me he did, and to give him a call this morning, which I did first thing. At first his phone was off so I left a voice message. About an hour later I tried again, but this time I text messaged him saying he could pick up the metal anytime and I hoped he had a good day.

I was disappointed once again, told myself I was being stupid and anyways what the hell did I expect? Not long after my text message he called me though, and my ignorant little heart skipped a beat. He wanted to see me, he said, but there was some major drama going on with his 16-year-old stepdaughter at school.

He promised to call me after taking a shower and finding out whether or not his wife and/or Mother in law would be coming home early. Mentally I prepared myself for the let down, but surprisingly he called me back an hour later and said everything was OK. He said he had just finished rolling a blunt and if I wanted to, I could come over and smoke it with him.

I was a little bit nervous about going over there (naturally), but figured fuck it, if he doesn’t care, than why should I? Every time we’ve gotten together I’ve made coffee for us, and it’s been nice to share a cup with who appreciates it for a change. So now "having coffee" has taken on new meaning

I parked behind his pickup and went inside. I knew my friend next door would probably see my car and ask questions. So Lars told me if anyone asked, I was just over there asking about him picking up some scrap metal in my yard. I don’t like lying to anyone, but I’ll respect someone’s wishes, as long as it’s within reason.

I brought the coffee in the kitchen, set it down and hugged him hard, breathing in his masculine scent. Mmmm, he felt so good (so right) in my arms. I softly kissed his face and confessed that I had missed him and had tried staying away, but it was no good. I wanted him too much. Like I said, I know I was being stupid.

We went into the living room and smoked the blunt and soon got to talking. I came right out and asked him why the hell he married a woman that he has to hide his true self from (he can’t get high around her, etc.) and is now so unhappy with, after less than a year being married.

He explained that they’ve known each other more than 15 years (she was his best friend’s wife at one time) and when they were dating, things were OK. But once they got married, she changed, apparently, and not for the better. I decided I didn’t really care why, I was just glad he wasn’t happy and wanted to share some of his time with me.

Stretching out on the couch, I laid my head in his lap and watched him while the told the tale, but couldn’t concentrate. I wanted to kiss those lips, not watch them talk. So I did just that, ending any serious conversation we might have had at that point, lol. After a few minutes of making out, he got up go to take a piss, but I had other plans.

I got up too, and dropped to my knees in front of him. I wanted to feel his cock throb in my mouth, hehehe. That had it’s desired effect, as I opened my eyes and looked up into his. I tasted him thoroughly, and watched erotic expressions flit across his face. Damn my panties were wet!

"Mmmm, you better go take a piss" I laughed, taking his cock out of my mouth. I had to stop before his dick got so hard it would be aiming at the ceiling, lmao! While he was gone, I took off the dark green velour pants (and pink panties) I had on, so now all I was wearing was a long sleeved mans thermal underwear shirt.

He’s got a small aquarium in his living room, and I bent over to check out the fish. Yea, I knew I was posing there with my big, round, naked ass sticking all out, and hard nipples poking thru my shirt, but it did have the desired effect. He walked back into the living room with an "Oh my God . . ."

He stood behind me, dropped his shorts and stroked my ass with his cock as I sensuously rubbed up against him. We played like that for a while, kissing and touching each other, then cam up for air and sat back down and finished smoking the blunt. I was pretty stoned by then and purring like a kitten as he stoked me with his hands.

Hmmm, this post is a lot longer than I anticipated, I’ll finish it tomorrow . . .

Anywebcam . . . Entry for January 24, 2007

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Life is just a fantasy . . . Entry for January 20, 2007

I finally got to see a therapist this Friday and now I’m feeling good enough to finish this post, thank (insert deity name here)!

I get asked sometimes about what would my “fantasy” be, but I can honestly say I don’t really have one (other than a 3-some with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, lol). There are some things I have yet to experience sexually, however. I’ve never “topped” a guy (but I need a strapon first) or fucked a pre-op TS (best of both worlds, hehehe) but I don’t “fantasize” about these things.

I did, however, live someone else’s fantasy at the swing party I went to this past weekend. Many women have dreamed of being in a threesome with 2 other girls, and last Saturday night I got lucky. It wasn’t my first time in that situation, but the last time I did it was probably over 20 years ago. Nevertheless, it was one of the tastiest good times I’ve ever had.

Saturday night started off really good. Almost as soon as I got there, I ran into the hot blond chick I made cum at the last party I went to. It was kinda funny too, because when my friend Eric asked me if I remembered her, and I was like “Hmmm, no, should I?” Then he told me she was the chick I molested when we were leaving and I laughed and was like “OMG, that was you?”

I told her how fucking hot it was last time we met and I started kissing her and lifted her skirt for another taste. Her mouth was as sweet as her pussy, and I told her that too. I hadn’t even finished my first drink yet and I wanted to socialize a little, but I told her I wanted to see her again later. Throughout the night I flirted, shot pool and shook my ass all over the dance floor and generally had a great time.

At one point when I went in the “restroom” (which is a small room with the toilet area off to one side) to change clothes, I ran into my Blondie and this other chick I had kissed and flirted with earlier in the evening. Her name was Cat, a hot young little redhead. I don’t remember how it started, but right there in the restroom, all three of us started making out. At first it was just friendly kissing and nipple licking, but I had just changed into a see-thru black mesh nighty and was feeling very naughty.

Lucky for me both ladies weren’t wearing any panties under their dresses, so I dropped to my knees and had a taste of them both. Damnit started getting hot in there, lol! Especially when I whipped out “Ruffles” (my clear acrylic dildo) from the little purple mesh backpack I always take with me to these parties. I showed them the toy and explained how frictionless and good it felt inside me, with the ridges stimulating my g-spot.

Then I put Ruffles to good use and slipped it in my soaking wet pussy while I was on my knees, riding it up and down. I ate Cat’s hot little pussy to my hearts content, while watching her suck on Blondie’s titties, it was such a turn on! I fucked my dildo faster and came wetly all over the shaft while sucking on Cat’s hard little clit, then all of a sudden the door popped open and the fun ended.

It was another lady I had seen often at these parties. But she didn’t look too happy to see that I was having fun with one of her little play toys, so I stopped. I made a mental note to check out both these sexy chicks later on in the evening when they were alone. I ended up getting pretty wasted at one point from drinking my homemade white grape/peach wine. Man, I make that shit potent if I do say so myself, about 30 proof, lol.

I went wandering out of the poolroom where I usually hang out and over to the tables near the dance floor to bum a cigarette. That’s when I spotted Blondie and Cat again, and I liked what I saw. Cat was sitting at one of the tables and Blondie was on her knees in front of her, underneath the table and licking away at the girl’s pussy.

It was kinda ironic, because at the last party we went to, it was me under the table and Blondie was the one getting the licking, lol. Once I saw what they were doing, I never hesitated and dove under the table myself. I lay on my back with Blondie’s pussy positioned over my face, and spreading her sweet lips, I licked away. There must have been 3 or 4 couples sitting all around us, watching . . . it was extremely erotic!

From my position on the floor I could see Cat’s pretty face while I sucked on Blondie’s clit, and she was watching me with an expression of ecstasy on her face. Apparently Blodie was giving as good as she got, lol. I slipped a of couple fingers inside Blondie’s tight, wet pussy and gave that g-spot a good work out. I could hear her muffled moans coming from Cat’s pussy where she had her face buried.

I felt her cum drip down my cheeks and fingered her harder and licked her faster, and I felt her body tremble under my hands again. It was so fucking hot! Unfortunately I had to finally come up for air, because I was getting dizzy from my upside-down position and crawled out from under the table. I kissed them and tasted both their pussies in my mouth at the same time . . . that was fucking cool!

I went home not long after that (after sobering up that is) and immediately took out my toys. I closed my eyes and relived the night’s events as I slipped the cool acrylic dildo into my throbbing pussy. I pictured both women making love to me at the same time as I applied my little blue dolphin vibe to my clit. I came almost instantly as soon as those visions reached my mind’s eye.

Now that would be a fantasy I would love to have filled . . .

This is just not like me . . . Entry for January 16, 2007

Sorry I’ve been so uncommunicative here lately guys, but things are pretty bad for me. My depression is becoming overwhelming, but I have an appointment with a therapist this Friday so that’s one step closer to getting put back on meds (sigh). In the mean time my son is having surgery on his ear tomorrow to repair his eardrum and that is totally bumming me out too.

In light of that, I decided to post a joke I just got in my email from my Dad to try to lighten my mood. Wish us luck with his surgery tomorrow and that his pain will be minimal (it’s keeping him out of school 2 weeks). I’ve given myself the goal of finishing my swing party post while he’s under the knife, or whatever it is they use in microsurgery these days.

Kisses!

Tst

Old Man Boudreaux was a Cajun highlander and life-long Baptist from Rapides Parish in Central Louisiana, but was now living in Southern Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and barbecue a venison steak.

All of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic, and now that it was during Lent, they were all forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The juicy, delicious aroma of grilled venison so tempting, it was causing problems for his staunch Catholic neighbors dietary restrictions. They finally decided to take their problem to their parish priest.

The priest went over to visit Old Man Boudreaux and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and a lot of study, Boudreaux was finally baptized. At the ceremony as holy water was sprinkled over him, he priest said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Old Man Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until the next Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled air again. In shock, the neighbors called their priest, who immediately came over. The priest rushed into Boudreaux's back yard, clutching a rosary and preparing to chastize him for his sin, but then he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Old Man Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a Deer and you wuz raised a Deer, but now you a Catfish."

Gotcha! hehehe

Old Man Boudreaux was a Cajun highlander and life-long Baptist from Rapides Parish in Central Louisiana, but was now living in Southern Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and barbecue a venison steak.

All of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic, and now that it was during Lent, they were all forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The juicy, delicious aroma of grilled venison so tempting, it was causing problems for his staunch Catholic neighbors dietary restrictions. They finally decided to take their problem to their parish priest.

The priest went over to visit Old Man Boudreaux and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and a lot of study, Boudreaux was finally baptized. At the ceremony as holy water was sprinkled over him, he priest said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Old Man Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until the next Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled air again. In shock, the neighbors called their priest, who immediately came over. The priest rushed into Boudreaux's back yard, clutching a rosary and preparing to chastize him for his sin, but then he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Old Man Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a Deer and you wuz raised a Deer, but now you a Catfish."

Gotcha! hehehe

Get the Funk outta ma face . . . Entry for January 12, 2007

My emotional mood has been in a bad funk all week. I’ve been totally depressed and not wanting to do anything but sleep. As a long time sufferer of depression, I can see the signs and it’s time for me to go back on medication. I’ve managed to avoid having to be on meds again for several years, and even though I know I will feel better, I’m reluctant to take them.

The main reason is that the meds that work best for my depression (Zoloft, Paxil, etc.) make me inorgasmic, and that sux ass. I mean one of the few things I can do to help alleviate my depression (even if it is temporary) is masturbation and the drugs make it near impossible to cum. Or make it so difficult that I’m so frustrated when I finally do cum, I’m more depressed than when I started.

Sorry I haven’t felt like writing much, cause I know y’all would love to hear the wet, juicy details of my threesome with Carla and her boyfriend. But the creative energy just isn’t there this week to put fingertips to keyboard. I will write it someday, cause it was pretty hot. Some of my lucky readers got to watch us live on Anywebcam that night, hehehe.

They’re supposed to come out and visit next weekend and go to a swinger club with me, but we’ll see. I’m going to a party tomorrow too though so hopefully I will be out of this funk and back to my normal pervy self. I know there’s one lady that’s going to be at the party and has promised to sport the "no panties" look for my inspection, so I know that this one will be fun.

This is a great blog post by Leon from my Friends list. It’s a topic I’ve been dying to get a man’s point of view on and he did a fantastic job on it: The Dick (#2, a.k.a. "BBC" WORLD NEWS) by Leon!, a.k.a. "Arevilo"

The article was really informative and here was my comment:

I do not really "prefer" big dicks for the simple reason that "average" hits me right in the g-spot while I'm fucking and it gets me wetter than a slip n' slide. Toss a nice little upward curve to that and you've got my perfect dick.

I've had my share of big ones before, and actually my very first fuck and then my first love were both big, but until I had them again some 10-15yrs later it didn't register. Then I thought, "Damn, my tight 13 year old pussy used to take that all the time?" lol.

Being a white girl with a "ghetto booty" (yea, I know it's stereotypical, I'm not even a white girl, I'm hispanic, lol) it gets alot of attention from black guys. But it's like you said about the black porn stars that have style, it's the BBC attitude they have that turns me off, not that they're black. ANY man that acts like he's something just because he's got a big cock doesn't score points with me.

One of my yahoo pet peeves is guys who involve their dick size or color when they come up with their yahoo ID, like bbc4u2fuk or 9inches4urhole, shit like that just bugs me. There is more to a man than just his dick, I just wish guys would hurry up and learn that (maybe I should go on a lecture circuit, lol).

And yes, men are WAAAAY more hung up on dick size than women are. Hands (and tongues and toys) can work just as well as dicks and sometimes even better, faster and longer! Perceived dick inferiority can also lead to performance issues that guys really packin’ it in their pants don’t suffer from. Check out this song from "Da Vinci’s Notebook" titled "Enormous Penis" , that kind of says it all, lol.

Mmmm, girlfriends . . .

Old Girlfriends . . . Entry for January 5, 2007

This pic was taken over a dozen years ago on Christmas Eve, when my best girlfriend Carla and me first hooked up. She lived next door to us in Louisville with her lesbian sister and her girl friend. We slept together for the first time later on the same night this picture was taken after we watched some “adult” anime, lol.

Over the years our relationship has fluctuated between love and hate. We used to go out clubbing and dance nasty together on the dance floor back in the day before it became “trendy” and socially acceptable. Sometimes she would try to see if any guys were worth picking up. If she did manage a hook up, Carla would let them know that he would have to take care of both of us, lol.

She lived with me at one point and we used to take turns having threesomes together with our respective boyfriends, without them knowing of course (fragile male egos). One day we had a menage a tois with her boyfriend in the morning, then my boyfriend in the afternoon, then started but didn’t finish a third one with an old fuck buddy mine (yea, we were bad). Those were the fun times . . .

There were some not so fun times too, like a couple times she went after the guys I was dating solo. Once she even wrecked a car that I lent her while she was drunk and had no idea where she left it. That’s the one thing that drove us apart for a long time, I told her never to drive it drunk. Those were the bad times. Here are two poems I wrote about her, Bestfriend and Blind . . . and Stupid.

But throughout the years, we’ve made up and kept in touch and seen (and slept with) each other whenever I was in the neighborhood (Ohio and Kentucky). She is the only woman I have ever had a “relationship” with, even though it was strictly bisexual, neither of us wanted to give up dick, lol. I hadn’t heard from her in probably two years or better, until last week that is.

I don’t use IM much these days, but have to open Yahoo at least every week or so just to clear out all the invites. Usually I just accept all the invites until they are clear, then just close Yahoo. But not this time. For some unknown reason I decided to scroll through the waiting offline messages to see if there was anything interesting to read, something I rarely do anymore.

Too many people I don’t know message me with stupid shit like “hard cock on cam” or “let me fuck that ass”, not to mention the bots, and it gets on my nerves. While I zipped down through the list of offline messages, one of them caught my eye. It was from my ex-bestfriend Carla saying she was back in Louisville at her sister’s house and left me her cell number.

She had messaged me on Saturday, but I didn’t get it until the beginning of this week. I called her right away, but ended up leaving her a voice mail with my phone numbers telling her to call me. I thought maybe she went back to Ohio, but last night I got a call from her!

We talked for a long time and caught up on things, discussed our love life, work, play, etc. She’s got a new younger boyfriend who likes older thick women, like her and me, lol. Carla pretty much well told him that if she sees me, we will end up in bed together and he’s cool with it.

I’ve invited them down for a visit next weekend (when there happens to be another swing party, hehehe) and we’ve made tentative plans to hook up. I told her she needs to tell her boyfriend that I get to snuggle her butt though when we sleep, he gets the wall, lol.

I just might take the 2-hour road trip to Louisville to see her this weekend though, I miss her . . .

Happy Nude, er New Year! (part two) . . . January 3, 2007

I’m sitting here in Joe’s Garage (hehehe, one of my favorite Frank Zappa albums) getting my alternator fixed and I started flashing back to the past. The smell of vehicular fluids is so strong in here it’s almost giving me a headache, but it reminded me of back when I was a teenage runaway and hung out at a ‘76 gas station (remember the big orange ball with blue numbers?) in California.

I was 14 I think, but had been a runaway and having a lot of sex since I was 13, so I was pretty "experienced" by then. I had slept and/or given head to most of the guys that worked at the garage at one time or another, mostly cause it gave me a place to crash. I got used often, and sometimes quite roughly, it wasn’t always the "fun" it should have been.

The funny thing though is now that the smells bring those memories flooding back, as I started thinking about it, my panties started getting wet (yes, I wore some today, lol). My seldom seen submissive side came out of lurk mode and I pictured myself getting taken by all those hot young guys (old guys to me back then, in their 20’s, lol) and it’s really turning me on.

I’d be there in the back room on my knees with a cock in my mouth, sucking it good with a hand on the back of my head taking control. Sometimes it felt like my mouth was getting raped, but you can’t rape the willing. And I may have been young, but I was VERY willing.

So here I brought my laptop to finish working on my New Years blog and I can’t stop looking at these mechanics through the window while they work on my car. They don’t look too bad either, one is prolly 30 something or so, and the other one is in his 20’s. Both have a nice asses, lol. I wonder if one of em would freak out if I said "Hey, want a blow job here in this bathroom?"

But anyways, back to the party . . . My friend Eric that took me there has already wrote a blog entry about the rest of that night and I think he did a pretty good job so I’m gonna include it here:

So this friend I have told me I needed to write more blogs so she could read my page since she has a blog damn near for every day of 2006! So I will try to keep this going and let you all know what is happening in my bland boring life...lol.

So let me start with New Year's Eve...

I went to an ADULT party somewhere in Kentucky, can't say where, but it was awesome. The busiest I had ever seen it and i go to as many of their parties as possible cause Buck and Cherry throw one hell of a good party and are awesome hosts. I have started providing the visual entertainment via DVD player and Adult movies so Buck isn't nearly as swamped but he keeps his ass moving, the man never sits down cause when you get a room full of drunks there is always a mess to clean somewhere, then add nekkid to the equation and you get a much bigger mess...but anyhow on with the story...I had to go pick up a friend of the female persuasion that was having car problems...lucky for me (heehee ) ...so I dropped off my video's to Buck and away I went to pick up this sexy bundle of energy that I will call Tasty cause the first time I ever licked her she had fruit cocktail and whipped cream on her...but thats a story for another time...

Now Tasty lives waaaaaaaaaay out in Bum-fukked-egypt let me tell ya! had it not been for her meticulous directions i would have been lost forever hoping not to hear banjo's in a distance (shivers at thought of "squeal like a pig boy!) So I drove into her drive way and she came out in a very tight burgundy dress with fur around the top edges and it was off the shoulders...i was like...Daaaaaayuuuuuummy! I mean I don't know what it is about this woman but damn I have been wanting some of what she has! So being the gentleman I jumped out and opened the passenger door to my jeep and she gave me a peck on the lips for it. And we were off to the party!

Along the trip to the party she thanked me a few times (wink) for going out of my way to pick her up and make sure she got laid for New Year's cause she didn't last year and her whole year was fucked up with limp dicks...her words...so onward I drove with my hands on the steering wheel and hers on my shifter(wink)...

Once we got there I opened up my bottled of vodka and made myself one hell of a screwdriver (ingredients: 1/3 glass of OJ, 2/3 glass of ABSOLUT Mandarin or STOLI Orange) and was buzzing pretty quickly cause i do not drink much. Tasty had ealier given me a Viagra (no I do not have E.D., I take it for fun) so once it kicked in I was a walking hardon literally! and Tasty loved teasing me so it would be more noticeable...lol. After everyone got some liquor in them it was real nice to watch, bodies everywhere kissing, groping, sucking, stroking, grinding...you get the idea.

There are a couple of rooms off to one side that are darker and decorated sensually for people to go in there and enjoy themselves on the couches, chairs etc. and i found one sexy woman I will call Mica that I have wanted since she showed me her tits last January! So she was on her knees kissing me as i lounged in a chair and i was playing with her freakin awesome tits and cute ass and told her I had wanted her since we first met, her reply..."What's stopping you now?"...I muttered half drunk "Clothing" she said "We can fix that!" and we hopped up and well you can figured the rest...WOW she is a hottie...i was almost drowned when using my skillful tongue-niques as she is a squirter and i love squirters!! After that I wrapped PePe the PeePee up in a raincoat and dove in for some good sexual release action cause that Viagra was kickin' it big time! I was almost there after about 25-30 minutes of good vibrations when Tasty came in and wanted to join(earlier she asked me to find her some pussy...lol) so being the mild-mannered man that i am I stepped away and let Tasty have a taste! Now that girl can do wonders with her tongue! Geeeeeeeeeezuuuuuuuuuus!

(Editors note: Honestly I was so wasted I didn’t realize it was Eric fucking her when I interrupted, lol, but it was all good)

After that she (Tasty) wanted to have a smoke so we went outside to my jeep and I started it up to stay warm, not that it mattered cause Tasty and I started playing when the dome lights went out...lol. I was surprised too that tasty was a squirter and my passenger seat is a bit stained now but i think i can live with that knowing how it got there. She introduced me to Ruffles, her favorite toy as she bent over and prompted me to use it and who am I to say no to this vixen?...you guessed it...nobody!...I became quite adept in using Mr. Ruffles that night actually...lol. After the seat soaking we decided to head back into the party where she dominated the pool table and i hit the dance floor with a nubian sex goddess I will call Cocoa. Now Cocoa is kinda new to this scene and it is fun watching her eyes light up as she does something new. Being an assman i have to give this girl props cause she has an awesome booty...i am talking Bootyliciousness Galore! And you won't find that word in a spelling Bee either! She is the first for me as far as black women goes and damn I couldn't have asked for a better one. Very yuuuuuuummy! We danced awhile but she was dragged off to a corner somewhere and happily molested by a couple of women.

Well the bell tolled 2am and it was time for us to close shop on the party. Tasty and i decided to get a room and invited Mica to join us but the peeps she came with wasn't feeling well and she decided to go with them. So Tasty and i went to the nearest Ramada Inn and got a room and finally fell asleep at 7am...well she passed out exhausted and i watched her sleep for a bit as she snored snuggled up on my arm. We woke around 2pm and had sex again before we headed out to go our separate ways...I could not have asked for a better party or ending to one year and beginning to another! Thanks Tasty!

And you are very VERY welcome Eric! But he forgot to mention what happened right when we were leaving the party. While we were saying goodbye to some of the "regulars" who were sitting at a table with all the house lights on, there was this pretty hot blonde that was sitting there in a short mini dress with no panties on. I think that maybe her husband was playing with her pussy under the dress or something like that.

I don’t actually remember how I started it, but I was totally trashed so knowing me I prolly asked her husband who was sitting next to her "Excuse me, are you gonna eat that?" But I do remember crawling underneath the table and starting to lick her luscious clit. It was hotter than fuck with everyone watching her get off. I found her g-spot right away and worked it while sucking on her clit and she exploded wetly in my mouth.

What a way to end the party! But for real, that wasn’t the end, cause our little private party at the Ramada was just beginning. I’ve mentioned before in my blog posts that I have this difficulty having a clitoral orgasm orally, and even though Eric is an excellent pussy eater (take a bow sweety, lol), my "hang up" was making it hard for me to cum.

So I whipped out my trusty "blue dolphin" pocket rocket vibe and went to work on my clit while he worked my pussy with "Ruffles". When I finally did cum (and it probably took an hour all total), I fountained all over him and the bed, it was fucking cool! I think he enjoyed my orgasm as much as I did, he was grinning from ear to ear. I must say, it was one of the best New Years I’ve ever had!

Happy Nude, er New Year! (part one) . . . January 2, 2007

I know it’s probably not the best idea to be blogging while I’m still drunk, but what the fuck, lmao! On second thought, my fingers are too drunk to type (thank god for spell checkers), so I’ll pick this up in the morning . . . Morning? Well, it’s more like tomorrow right now, I decided to sleep in a little, lol. But with my loudest child down the street, I succumbed to the peace and quiet and slept all day and night. That’s OK though, I didn’t have anything else better to do. Now where was I?

Saturday night I went to the swing party with a guy I know from my swingers group, "Eric". I had first met him at the party I went to at Halloween when I was made a human fruit salad and he ate it off me, hehehe. He emailed me that it would be no problem for him to give me a ride and I was so relieved.

In his message he jokingly put in "Ass, Gas, or Grass, no one rides for free" and I didn’t catch it the first time, but noticed it later and cracked up. I wrote him back, saying that "Aunt Flow" decided to drop in for New Years, but my mouth still worked just fine, and I got the gas and grass part covered too! He came right out and said "That’s OK, I earned my red wings" and I thought "Wooo Hooo!" I’m in for a good time for sure!

When we were talking, I was shocked to realize I had never sucked his cock before. I was like "No way dude!" but he said he would have remembered lol. Well, that’s just plain rude as far as I considered, and I was ashamed of myself (spank me!). I should have given him a blow job long ago, considering he gave me one helluva hot a tongue lashing on Halloween. I made a promise to myself to give his cock oral attention asap.

We smoked a fatty on the way there, and I was surprised to learn he hadn’t smoked any in 9 years. I kinda felt guilty corrupting him like that, but I figured what the hell, he can make his own decisions and I didn’t have to twist his arm, lol. On the ride there I started playing with his dick through his pants. He wore PJ bottoms for easy access to collect beads, hehehe.

Let me tell ya what I wore, cause the dress was classic hot! (yes, a little fashion vanity there, lol) You can kinda see it in the pic above. It was a long form fitting stretch burgundy velvet gown with burgundy fake fur at the collar and cuffs, and had a long slit going up the front. Underneath I wore homemade crotchless pantyhose (No Nonsense sheer to the waist work best, hehehe) and a shiny rainbow thong, and that was it.

Of course I did bring (as always) another outfit to change into when I start feeling a little hot. It was going to be a "bead" party too (you know, like on Mardi Gras?) so another reason I wore the long, off the shoulder dress was so I could pop my boobs out with little effort to collect some of those beads, lol.

When we got there I started drinkin’ whiskey and earlier had taken a couple of Xanax to help me de-stress from the holidays (wink wink). As soon as we got there, I started playing pool, my other favorite party pastime. The only problem with that is that I have a tendency to stop in the middle of the game and go shake my ass out on the dance floor, lol. I didn’t get to finish many games that way, but I started quite a few.

Eric went wandering around doing his own thing, which was totally cool. He’s an old hand at swing parties and even though we came there together, we weren’t really "together", though I had a feeling we would end up fucking by the end of the night, lol. He knows I always go there looking for pussy to eat, so he said he’d keep his eyes open while he did his playing. Hehehe, I like naughty friends like that!

Damnit, I just looked at the time and I have to go, I’ll finish this later when I get back . . .