Recently I started talking to someone again who had “written me off” because I started seeing couples. I had really REALLY liked “Y” too, but he told me he was looking for a certain special someone and I just wasn’t it. OK, I’m no stranger to rejection, but I had budding emotions for Y and really enjoyed his friendship, and it hurt a lot when he “dumped” me. Ironically the friendship I took up with was not even close to being worth losing his. So I got over it, though really missed being friends, but I gave him his space and left him be . . . mostly. I love his writing and would visit his blog from time to time, and occasionally make a comment. He never replied back, and that was cool, I still loved his work and wanted him to know I appreciated his brilliant mind and creativity.
I had moved on in my life, made (and lost) other friendships, started to explore my bisexuality more, and even found someone on the other side of the globe that I’ve recently realized I like a lot, “L”. And he likes me too, to the extent of starting to plan a 2-week vacation from Switzerland to Kentucky in January just to see me!
Well, last week Y made a comment on my 360 page and I was quite (pleasantly) surprised to hear from him. We corresponded back and have started being friends again. L has been quite busy for the last couple weeks, and have chatted with him little, but he manages to call me every few days at least (from Switzerland!) to talk with me, and I appreciate that.
A few days ago I started chatting with Y, who lives in New Orleans (NOLA), while he was using a wireless internet connection at a bar. We talked all evening on personal topics: the boundary in place restricting me from speaking to him about my sexploits (makes him very jealous he says), mutual abusive childhoods, etc. We even talked about our mutual (STRONG) feelings for each other.
I told him when we “broke up” (if you can call it that) that I couldn’t be in love with someone I’ve never really met, and discussed the difference between loving someone and “being” in love. He says there’s no difference, but he’s so wrong. He’s 10 years younger than me, did I mention that? Lol. ahhh, to be so young and naive again and have such notions.
I have loved a lot of people in my life, and have been in love with a few (or at least it felt that way to me) that I shouldn’t have. I can love someone without being “in love” with them; love them for their mind, beauty, sense of humor, depth of kindness, etc. But being in love encompasses so much. And (thank god) at this stage of my life I am starting to filter the two and not be so infatuated or lovestruck that I can’t see a bad choice when it’s staring me right in the face.
This man is so damn tempting to me! Physically I couldn’t ask for more: Native American (oooo, have always lusted for them!), intelligent (why is that so hard to find for me?), extremely talented and creative, hair nearly long as mine (I’m a sucker for long hair), and a libido that rivals mine (that is REALLY rare!).
I could keep going, but in case he’s reading this, I wouldn’t want to swell his head, lol. Of course he has his faults too: he cheated on his wife of 12 years, with not one, but 2 women, and left her and their 2 kids for one of them (they broke up after Katrina evacuated them and she didn’t want to go back). And not to mention I caught him in a lie, it was a stupid one too.
Also he confessed to me that if his ex-wife would take him, he’d be back with her in a heartbeat. Hmmm, can you see where this is going? Well, we chatted all night when he was in the bar, then he went home and we talked (mmm, hot phone sex, I made him cum 4 times!) until 7am. During that conversation a bottle of wine was drunk and he admitted he had fallen in love with me.
That’s why he got so jealous and possesive over me, even though I told him he had no right to be. But since when does love listen to your common sense? In this case, my heart has a heightened sense of hearing from my head. Ever since my friend MrsDustyNutz opened my eyes with the “be in love with the person, not the feeling” dogma, I’ve learned not to get overloaded with the feelings coming at me.
Here lately I’ve been taking a step back from all potential relationships, romantic and otherwise, and have a very good emotional shield in place. But at times, when I get lonely usually, it weakens. Herein lies my problem: I’ve got two guys, both long distance from here, that seem to care for me now. WTF do I do? If Y hadn’t dumped me as a friend in the first place, I never would have gotten into a relationship with L.
L in Switzerland really likes me, I can tell. And I like him too: he’s single, never been married, no kids (my grandmother told me I needed to find a younger man who’s never been married and no kids, lol), has a good job (very driven in his career), is handsome (tall, dark hair and eyes) sexy (mmmm, that French accent, ooo laa laa!), enjoys talking to my kids, the list goes on and on.
BUT (isn’t there always a but?) he is half a world away, and there’s the thing about his libido not matching mine (nothing that Cialis can’t overcome though). I was equally attracted to both men on sight, but share deeper, emotional ties with Y in NOLA. But L in Vaud, Suisse seems to be more stable emotionally (though all three of us have suffered from bouts of depression). I don’t know, I’m so confused.
Who do I want more? Y in NOLA, hands down. It’s a chemistry thing that I feel all the way down to my inner being. Is that a good choice? Hmmm, probably not. L on the other hand doesn’t have the jealousy/possessiveness issues that Y has and doesn’t trip if others are meeting my physical needs (at this time). He turns me on as well, and I think there’s a lot of potential there for exploring our sexual limits and boundaries.
I don’t know what to do, can you see why I’m having issues? What do you think, have you “been there/done that” before?
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