The Joy of having Sons . . . Entry for February 4, 2007

Oh the joys of having boys . . .

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O
15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of the Women who read this will pass this on to most of their friends, with or without kids,
25. But 80% of the Men who read this will probably try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

And this will make at least one of us tearfully despair the lost innocence and all-inclusive boyhood love of those “Joyful Sons” who are now mutating into thoughtless, careless and hurtful young enigmas

Title

This is the hardest thing
You could ever believe
I feel a Mother’s love crying out the holes in my heart
Like a fine mesh sieve

You were my toothless milk vampires
Who shared a womb with a view
Your declaration of war has fragmented my mind
Crushing my soul in two

Physicians debug our programming
Though placebos aren't really a cure
I wish I had a “WayBack” machine, undoing mistakes
Before they even occur

With Joyful's inevitable duality
Comes Despair, the evil twin brother
And Fate's remains the dice roller in your Game of Life
When your title changes to “Mother”

Duel-ality (written about my twins over a decade ago)

A life sentence shared
Lasting only 35 weeks
A prison breakout 35 days
Prior to scheduled release
Identical terracotta vases
Cultivated with incompatible vines
Nourished on harmonious discord
Up and over the wall they intertwine
Brothers-at-arms
Always armed against each other
The only thing held in common
Is waging war against “The Mother”
Their nightly truce is parlayed
Beneath the knowing moonlight
Snuggled close in reluctant slumber
Conceding to never again fight

Thanks go to my good friend SexyMistress for emailing me this today, here’s how our conversation went:

----- Original Message ----
Subject: Re: Fwd: FW: The Joy of having Sons
“I guess you haven't read my blog lately, but you're email just wrote my next entry, hope you're having a good weekend!
Kisses!”

“lmao Techy! I read your blog just after i sent this........ im sorry to hear your having so many problems with your boys. But you will be glad to know that YOU are not at fault. (been there done that have the tshirt ) i now wake up everyday knowing that i taught my daughter right from wrong but as with leading a horse to water you can only teach it to them you cant force them to use the information wisely. i pray everyday that she will sometime in her life get her head out of her ass an realize that she is better then all she is going through. i woke up the day she said to me," YOU WERE NEVER THERE FOR ME AND NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR ME" hmmmm lets see

9 plastic surgeries for removal of a birthmark
10 different surgeons’ appt. every 2 months from the time she was 4 weeks old
spinal meningitis ( held her for the spinal taps and sat in isolation for 5 days)
testing her hearing cuz we thought she was deaf(she didnt speak until she was 3)
never missed a field trip for school
at least 4 ear infections a year till she was 6
3 sets of stitches
watching as the police drug her from my home stoned because of a dumbass boy friend
countless nights staying up all night cuz she had disappeared
sitting in court with her on a drug paraphernalia charge paying all the fines
counseling
at 18 broke both bones in her forearm just shy of compound (good thing i had insurance on her that one ran just shy of $32,000)
i listed all of this and more to her and then said you know i wonder who that
woman was that held you through all that . i would love to meet her she must be very special.
she is in florida right now and i can only hope she is staying away from the crack and such. she calls me here and there and always ends the conversation with i love you mom.
last month i told her "when her male friend called me and told me she had done crack again" Destiny i taught you better then that you have stolen from me, lied to me and put me through hell alll i can do now is tell you that i love you and hope that you will remember all the things i taught you and hope you do the right thing.

lmao and the moral to all this is remember back to when they were small and like your pics show you had a
wonderful time
YOU played with them
YOU took care of them
YOU sat with them when they got hurt
YOU kept them safe
YOU taught them right from wrong
but i dont imagine that you taught them to be idiots they learn that all on their own and all YOU can do now is pray that they start using all that info and become good people ( like YOU)
TIME TO QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP
YOU DIDNT DO NYTHING WRONG
always remember to take care of you and if nobody else tells you today i will, I LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE AND I THINK YOU ARE SPECIAL
HUGGSSSSSSSS from the long winded mother of 3 girls
love ya hun
SexyMistress

p.s. the only difference between boys and girls is one stands to pee and i think my of my girls has tried that lol”

Wasn’t that an awesome note? Love ya too SexyMistress!