Things my Mother will never understand . . . Entry for October 15, 2006

I called my Mom today (she still lives in Oakland, CA) to say hi and shoot the shit for a while, find out how my daughter and granddaughter are doing, and catch up on the family news. During the conversation I told her I’d quit working for the Black Box contracting company because they didn’t want to pay me for round trip travel (most jobs were over 1.5 hrs away). I said I’d take any job that would help me out with Christmas, but I couldn’t do one that required me to stand in the same spot for hours due to problems with my back.

She said it was because of my size and that’s when she got on a tirade about my being overweight. My mother is this tough little black haired Mexican lady (68 but can pass for 50’s) 4ft 10in and weighs maybe 115lbs, which is good for her, she has a small frame. I tried to explain that my back problems had nothing to do with my weight, that scoliosis and pregnancy with 3 epidurals in my back pretty much did me in. Then she asked me how much I weighed now.

Of course I lied to her (my bad) and told her 165lbs. I’m not sure really how much I weigh though, I threw out that lying bathroom scale a while back, lol. After that our conversation consisted mostly of me holding the phone away from my head and up to the ceiling while she ranted and raved. I’d lower it every now and then, hear her spewing more bullshit theories about weight, blah blah blah, and hold it back away from my ear, every now and then I would make some non-committal sound like I was really listening. My boys saw me doing this and almost laughed out loud. I love my Mom dearly, but she is such a bitch!

In all honesty, I’m a size 16, 5ft tall and weigh probably close to 180lbs, but I don’t "look it", whatever that is supposed to mean. I’ve been skinny before, in my heavy drug daze, and once when I was 19 got down to a little girls size 14 (size 0 in today’s terms) after staying up for 3 weeks straight. I lost almost all my boobs, and just looked (and was) unhealthy, though my Mom would have given me a high five for losing the weight had I been on speaking terms with her back then.

I tried to tell her that I look good for my size, that everyone tells me I don’t look like I’m in my 40’s. "Its because the fat fills out the wrinkles!" she said, then she started in with the health issues, diabetes, cholesterol, etc. I told her that I had a physical 4 months ago and the Dr. said everything was fine. Then she mentioned my daughter had shrunk down to 125lbs but she still needed to lose more off her hips and ass, blah blah blah. .

My daughter is 5ft 2in and probably weighed around 200lbs when she started losing weight by modifying her eating habits and not really dieting and did a really great job! Finally I just couldn’t take it anymore and told her the pancakes and bacon I had been cooking for our breakfast was done and I needed to go, but then she started in on the bacon grease I was saving for cooking beans! I let her get in the last word (like a dutiful daughter) and hung up the phone.

One of her favorite stories whenever being overweight is discussed was one time she went to a Dr.’s appointment (like 40yrs ago!) and he told her she would always be overweight or some bullshit like that, so she’s always watched her diet. I’ve tried to tell her "Well good for you Mom, but I’m not you!" but she doesn’t listen. I don’t think she understands how people could like curves on a plush body, that not everyone’s ideal woman is a size 3,5,7 or 9 even.

Conversations like this just bum me out, but it does little to make me want to diet. Would I look better thinner? Oh hell fucking yea! But I like who I am right now. I like the way I look and feel (I would like to be more fit though) and if that changes, I might consider going on a diet regime. But until then, I’m happy and healthy and will keep on eating my pancakes with bacon, and saving the bacon grease for a tasty pot of beans later (why don’t you use olive oil Mom says, HA!)