Well, I’m having some trouble in love-land and need to get some things out of my system, and maybe this can help me gain some insight. I’ve been seeing Rod for a few weeks, and have been relatively happy (my new motto is “Happy is Good!”) and content with the here and now. I took the advice of a very good friend (again, thanks so much Mrs DustyNutz, muah!) which was “Be sure you’re in love with the person, and not just in love with the feeling.” Very sound advice, and I wondered why I had never thought of that before. Probably because I was too busy falling in love with the feeling and getting my heart stepped on.With that in mind, I had been “taking things slow” in my relationship with Rod. Did I love him? Absolutely! Was I in love with him? Now that was the answer I was trying to figure out. Rod went back to Ohio (again) to where he still somewhat lives with his ex/girlfriend of 3 years, a psychotic alcoholic from what he says. She kinda broke up with him via a post-it note over a month ago. She taped a note on his monitor saying “You and your dogs need to get out.” He went back up there to make some money and take care of business before meeting me in Indy this weekend to work on Motorcycles at a swap meet at the fairgrounds there. He couldn’t find a map to the fairgrounds for me, so I tried finding it, and that’s where this chat session started.
Here’s how the conversation went:
dangerous6913: indy
thesexy.tech: did that help? (I had pasted a map link)
Rodney Dangerous: i guess havent looked yet
thesexy.tech: got it?
Rodney Dangerous: yes
Rodney Dangerous: 116 miles for me ty
thesexy.tech: yw
Rodney Dangerous: hope ya make it
thesexy.tech: me too
Rodney Dangerous: ya dont sound very sure (now how does he figure that don’t sound sure?)
thesexy.tech: I'm sure I want to go, I'm hoping I'll get to go
thesexy.tech: I talked to Shonna at ****** and she's checking for me, and I can always take out a paycheck loan
Rodney Dangerous: i understand
thesexy.tech: but it all depends if I can get SOMEONE to take chayne
thesexy.tech: shayne
thesexy.tech: and steven has been such a brat lately
Rodney Dangerous: ya mean shit for brains?
thesexy.tech: well, he's got brains, that's for sure, damn flies!!! but just doesn't use them
Rodney Dangerous: they are too out of control
Rodney Dangerous: for me
thesexy.tech: I know
thesexy.tech: I figured that (because of the way he left)
thesexy.tech: but it still hurts
thesexy.tech: heym I'm gonna go
Rodney Dangerous: i didnt mean to hurt you
thesexy.tech: ilu
(I logged out here)
Rodney Dangerous: ilu
Rodney Dangerous: why ya goin?
Rodney Dangerous: ok never mind then
Rodney Dangerous: guess ya are mad at me
Rodney Dangerous: dont know why ya left so fast
Rodney Dangerous: ty for explaining
Rodney Dangerous: frustrated now
Rodney Dangerous: ty
(logged back in here)
thesexy.tech: it was 12:05 and forgot about my shit-for-brains son
Rodney Dangerous: oh ok
thesexy.tech: but that wasn’t the only reason
Rodney Dangerous: i figured that
thesexy.tech: you didn't mean to hurt me. . . that's kinda hypocritical considering we've been telling my boys that's not an acceptable excuse
Rodney Dangerous: so how did i hurt you? you said it still hurts?
thesexy.tech: c'mon Rod, you're not stupid
Rodney Dangerous: guess i am
Rodney Dangerous: all i said was theye are too out of control for me (AND . . .?)
Rodney Dangerous: didnt say i wasnt coming back
thesexy.tech: I know, cause your boots are still here (OK that was kinda sarcastic, but I was hurt)
Rodney Dangerous: fuck those boots
thesexy.tech: look, I'm not stupid either
Then he signed out and didn’t sign back in, so not sure what’s going on his end, but let me tell you my take on it is. Now I can call my own son shit-for-brains (and sometimes he can be such an asshole) but that doesn’t give anyone else the right to call him that. It kinda pissed me off, because me and Rod had this big discussion about my son’s Tourette’s Syndrome and how he really can’t help his oppositional behavior. Then when he said “They are too out of control . . . for me.” Usually with a statement like that there’s a big fat AND right after it.
Immediately after he said that, I felt like someone physically had punched me in the chest. That’s when logged off and realized I was late picking up my son. I found it hard to breathe and I had this tight knot of painful congestion in my chest. I felt like crying and actually dropped a tear or two before taking a deep breath and slammed my brick wall in place. It wasn’t a solid brick wall, but it would do while I sorted out my thoughts and feelings rationally instead of hyper-emotionally. I don’t know why I felt so strongly, but that on top of some other things he had said (earlier he asked me did I find anything he had left, his boots) and I don’t know. It was just a gut feeling I got from the whole situation and I knew something wasn’t right.
Yesterday morning when I came home after I dropping off my problem child (one of my 16 yo twins) at Summer School and doing a little shopping, Rod was already dressed and ready for the road. He was in the driveway packing up his bike when I pulled up. We had discussed him going back there before the swap meet to tie up some loose ends, but I was surprised he had decided to go between the time he woke up and the time I got back. He still was looking for misplaced items a couple hours later when I was getting ready to leave to pick my son back up. I asked him if he could wait and I would help him find his stuff when I got back. He said maybe or something non-committal, but when I got back he was already gone. That was Red Flag #1.
Rod had called me from the road (a 5 hour drive) to tell me this complicated story about helping this old guy on a bike, blah blah blah. I started remembering the last time he had went back up there about a week ago that some of the things he was telling me just didn’t add up, like where he was at what time, what he was doing when, etc. In all honesty I really had no say in the matter, NOMB (none of my business). But for my peace of mind and well being, I decided I shouldn’t believe everything he tells me, or I was liable to get hurt with the truth. That didn’t mean I cared any less for him, I was just protecting myself.
Well, it seemed to me that today when we first chatted, he acted one way, very attentive. Then after he went out to eat and came back, he was acting another, kind of standoffish I guess. In any case, I felt a vibe when he started talking about my kids. That was Red Flag #2. I had been turning over in my mind the possibility of a “happily ever after” with Rod and had decided I was ok with just a “happy right now”. But I could already see that he wasn’t all that comfortable with my children’s behavior, and that behavior wasn’t going to change overnight. Also I wasn’t all that comfortable in the role of a “rebound” girlfriend when he still wasn’t completely out of his relationship in Ohio. That bothered me a lot, his keeping her on a string as a safety net.
During all this inner conflict of thoughts/feelings, I was already having a bad day. My sons messed up my iBook (I thought they broke it), the payroll department called to tell me I’m not getting paid what I thought I was so I said FUCKIT and went outside and fished all afternoon. I popped back online a few hours later to check my e-mail and found this message from him:
From: Rodney Dangerous To: thesexy.tech
dont know what to say or do...i wasnt coming back for my boots...and with lil miss attitude guess i aint comin back. i was coming back becase ilu... dont be sad just be glad we had some time together... will be willing to talk if ya get outta the bitch mode
If there was ever a wrong time to say I was in “bitch mode” that was it, right then and there. Honestly, other than the boots comment, I wasn’t being bitchy, was I? Lil Miss Attitude??? Because I was hurt (and rightfully so, I think) now I have a “tude”? And as for being sad, I don’t think he had a clue why I was upset. I’ve already been through several relationships that didn’t work out because of my children, and I was looking at the same situation again. I wasn’t sad, I was hurt and resigned, two old familiar friends.
There were other reasons I was having second thoughts about having a serious, permanent relationship anyways. I had concerns about his age and health. Rod’s a heavy smoker with a really bad cough and a seriously fucked up back. I may be a Grandma, but I’m still a young one and I need someone that is going to keep up with me, in and out of bed for YEARS to come. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great lover, but I like LOTS of sex, ALL the time and that can wear a man in his 50’s out. Hell, I wore out a man still in his 20’s, lol. However, what it really boils down to is even though I love him, I am not in love with him. And if it hasn’t happened by now, it’s probably not going to.
I’m sorry Rod, I do love you, and friends forever, just like we said. You made me very happy (Happy is Good!) in the short but sweet time we were together. You’ll always have a place in my heart and in my home if you ever need it.
1 comment:
Sexy Tech,
I understand what you saying and what Mrs Dusty Nutz had to say about loving the feeling. Do we fall in love because we now have someone at our side? We are an animal and people do like being around others. This is something we desire isn't it? And if we are a loner we are considered crazy.
I have learned early on in life while still a teen NEVER say anything bad about another ones family. Just because they call them something don't mean you can call them anything bad. I learned in my 2-'s never use the "C" and/or the "B" word around or in referance to women. Not even thier worst enemy can be called the "C" one or someone getting upset with you.
I also try and go slow and I am one that when I see someone going to fast I need to get away and back off some. I want to see if I miss that person so bad I want to be with them as much as I can. I realize I end up hurt some but I want to make sure I love them and not the idea I have someone and this is her. I do have the habit of buring myself into something. that can be work, a hobby, baseball, football, computer fun or what ever it may be.
I was in love and married once and what happened was I got lonely. I tried to tell her but she just did what she enjoyed doing. She was trying to forget something that happened in her life and she found solance in work. Me, I found chat rooms on IRC. They were there when I logged on and we had fun. I also being a volunteer fireman found that I loved the feeling of helping someone in trouble. I still do at work when I help someone find something in the store they can't find. Well, this problem she had I didn't know how to help her and I was feeling usless to her. Last summer a Girl I was seeing broke up with me because I seemed to care to much for my ex. If she got sick I stayed around her to nurse her back to health with chicken soup or won-ton broth.
Well, I guess I should of e-mailed this but I didn't have it but then again others can read this here.
Bob
Delco Guy
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