When will she ever learn? . . . Entry for November 6, 2006

If you remember a few posts back I was telling y’all about my ex, Steve? You know, the one that got my cherry, wants to marry me, says he’ll quit drinking and move to Kentucky, etc? Well, he hadn’t called me in nearly a week, and was never there at his parent’s house when I tried calling him. So as a last resort I called a neighbor friend of his that I had met nearly ten years ago back in Oakland.

She’s kind of like a second Mom to him and I had called him at her house last Sunday (the last time we talked), so I had her number. It was an interesting conversation to say the least. Apparently Steve got locked up. She had called his mother about something and that’s how she found out. Why does this shit keep happening to me? Though I’m sure Steve’s saying that to himself right now too, lol.

She didn’t have all the details, but we both figure he was riding his bicycle drunk, or some other form of public intoxication. The police brought him home to drop his things off, because he had bench warrants of some kind, probably some old charge relating to his alcoholism. So we supposed he was on his way home from work. We discussed his drinking problem and I found out that he’s been lying to me all along.

He hasn’t stopped or even slowed down his drinking. She told me some other hard truths. Apparently Steve’s Father (who has never really liked me) offered to buy him a one way ticket here. So much for his lies about “getting a good deal”. Come to think of it, that’s probably how he came to Kentucky the first time. He also lied about having a car, not a big deal in itself, but why lie to me?

Needless to say, I’m not going to let myself fall for this bullshit again. I don’t know what the charges are against him, and frankly don’t care enough at this point to really try finding out. The only thing good about the whole deal is now he will HAVE to stop drinking, but for how long? During my conversation with his friend, we both agreed, his drinking is going to kill him someday if he doesn’t stop soon.

My living in a “dry” county (no alcohol sales what so ever) would have helped, and I would have loved to help him, but once again, he’s blown my trust. It would have been nice, a fairy tale really, if things had worked out between us, but I’m not falling for that romantic-love-bullshit again. I’m seriously beginning to think of just turning lesbian and just saying fuck it.

Anyways, here’s the second poem I ever wrote for Steve. I found it going through some old docs of mine. I wrote it when we were having problems back in California about 8 years ago (I used to be a redhead, lol).

What do you want?

Your thoughts are mumbled
Into the tangled knots in my long red hair
Or are you just checking to see
If I’m still there

What was that you said?
My ears are on the sides of my head

You give me the same lame answer
Each and ever time
“Nothing” you reply
Or you’ll sigh, “never mind”

I hate when you say that
And give my tangles a consolation pat

What do you want
From me, of me, with me or without me
Don’t make me guess
At what your cryptic messages mean

Do you love me, hate me
Can’t wait to forget me
Just telling me what’s on your mind
Would save me a lot of wasted time

So I pose you the question
“What are we gonna do about us?”
You silently ponder the query
With a minimum of fuss

What was that you said?
It went completely over my head

I didn’t catch that first part
Then I heard you say two-way street
When I asked you to elaborate
You started dragging your feet

I am not a master psychic
And second guessing you is making me sick, so

What do you want
From me, of me, with me or without me
Don’t make me guess
At what your cryptic messages mean

Do you love me, hate me
Can’t wait to forget me
Why can’t you say what’s on your mind
Or am I just wasting my time

I’d think that by now
You would have learned how to communicate
I guess understanding you
Is not part of my fate

What was that you said?
Oh never mind, I’m going to bed

Life IS like a two-way street
What goes around comes around
And when you finally do want to talk
I might not want to be found

C’mon baby we need to talk
Share with me some of your thoughts, just tell me

What do you want
From me, of me, with me or without me
Don’t make me guess
At what your cryptic messages mean

Do you love me, hate me
Can’t wait to forget me
Please tell me what’s on your mind
Before our love runs out of time

Well, I think time has run out on this one, I’ve got enough problems of my own and the last thing I need is another burden in my life. I’m not Atlas, I can only shoulder so much. (Heavy Sigh) But it sure would have been nice having love in my life again . . .