Change is in the air . . . Entry for November 27, 2006

Life is about change
Without it
You stagnate and whither
Sometimes you can just smell when it’s in the air
To borrow an old cliché
But it’s fitting out here
Where we burn the leaves and leavings of the land
The colors
So flamingly brilliant scant days before
Slowly fade into mediocrity
Blending back into the background
Getting ready for that hard cold sleep
So warm, the weather
Balmy breezes bathe my face
Late afternoon lights reflect off the playful surface
As I drop my book for the taut line dancing by my side
Smiling even though the fish ate but the hook did not
Enjoying for maybe the last time I fear
Just a little echo that keeps me out here
A tasty appetizer to hold me for next year
To remind me that beauty may be hidden
But is always near.

Do you ever have days so damn good that It just makes you want to cry? It’s been so long since I’ve had some good things happen in my life, I’ve forgotten what it was like. Even though I haven’t worked since the last week in September, I’ve managed to keep my head above water and little else. A few weeks ago I received a couple child support checks (they are few, small and far between), giving me enough for a small Christmas.

But then last week I received a letter from Social Security saying that they were finally releasing funds for my son that had been due for almost a year, now we can afford a pretty decent Christmas. So now today after checking my email and finding nothing in the way of employment in my inbox, I jumped offline. The phone rang almost immediately and I thought that maybe it was about a job and someone was using the redial-until-not-busy feature.

It wasn’t, it was some student loan consolidation telemarketer or bill collector of some kind. Before he started into his "speech", I headed off the conversation with "Look, I haven’t worked since the end of September . . ." but he kind of cut me off. He said he wasn’t asking for any money, all he wanted to do was some paperwork. I thought, "OK, why not?"

When I started college in ‘91, I didn’t know about student loans (I didn’t even know what a syllabus was!) and was living in the Projects in Louisville, KY. I was already on the waiting list for "Section 8" (federal subsidized housing program) but sometimes it takes years to get on. But when I found out that I could get student loans, I took one out every semester and paid rent on a house for six months at a time.

Long story short, my loans defaulted and I was never able to even get my college transcripts after graduating. So I decide to listen to this guy on the phone, he seemed kinda nice, but I stayed suspicious. When he started going over my records, he mentioned that about 20,000$ had been paid off on my Stafford loan. I was dumbstruck, thinking SOMEONE has fucked up in accounting! Not being one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I absorbed that little bit of information while he talked.

But my innate honesty got the better part of me and I admitted to him that there must me some mistake, I’d never paid off any of my student loans. He checked his records and said that in 1998 about 20,000$ had been paid off. He suggested that maybe one of my parents had done it. Since my Mother inherited some stocks from an elderly woman she used to take care of, that option was plausible.

That’s about the only person I can think of that might have the money to do that, but why never say anything to me about it if she did? My Mom can bea psycho bitch sometimes, but I still love her. Our Mother/Daughter relationship has had its highs and some really bad lows. But through the years I have learned how to deal with it and not get so fucking crazy pissed off at her. After all, she’s set in her ways and will never change, I’ve come to accept that.

But now that I think about it, my Mom has lent me money numerous times when I’ve needed it since then. I’ve had to pay a hefty price whenever I ask though (the bitching/preaching I have to listen to), but in the end she helps out. Over time I’ve lost track of how much I owed her, but she always knew, and would throw it in my face when we were arguing. During those fights I’d remind her that I had always promised to pay it off when I eventually collected child support.

Well back in 2002 after I got a hefty child support settlement (he was over 30,000$ in arrears) I finally paid my Mom back the 2300$ I owed her, so I wouldn’t have to hear about that ever again, and because I really wanted to put that debt to rest But now I’m wondering why she wouldn’t use the "secret loan payment" as ammunition during one of our many arguments we’ve had since then? I just don’t get it.

But it any case, the guy on the phone had more good news. Since that loan was paid off, and the University is now consolidating all these old loans, it’s like the loans never went into default, and now I can get my college transcripts! I’ve never been able to get them, and have lost job opportunities because of it. Not to mention that if I wanted to go back to school to get my IT certifications, I could be eligible for grants/loans to help pay for the cost.

I’m still looking for that loophole though, I’m such a pessimist. It seems there’s always some Catch-22 lurking between the lines somewhere. So already this has been a great day, things have really been looking up, and then my phone rings. It’s my ex, Shawn, the younger guy I was with for almost 3 yrs. We hadn’t talked or corresponded via email in months, but all of a sudden, he calls and I’m not online for a change. He said he tried calling last night but I busy was downloading files.

It was so good to hear his voice! I mean finding out 20,000$ in student loans have been mysteriously repaid was great, but his calling me was the cherry on top! He’s still with his ex and his kids in Louisiana and doing OK. I’ve missed him so much, in and out of bed. All right I’ll admit it, I’ve missed him most from my bed, and he knows it too. Sex with his ex wife (they haven’t remarried) is just plain boring and not worth it most the time, he tells me. I believe it too, I’ve met her.

I’ve got more sensuality in my little finger than she has in her whole body, and she has no ass whatsoever (meow, yes I’m being catty, lol). I told him just to close his eyes and fuck her, imagining that it was me and he said it would be impossible. "Not even with a fifth of Jim Beam in me would I be able to imagine it" he laughed, I laughed too. Our sex together always was like living chemistry, our bodies were so evenly matched in wants, needs and desires. (Sigh)

He said she makes him feel old now (at 30!), and reminisced on how we always used to have fun. We both agreed that it was one helluva ride that lasted almost 3 years. Just hearing his voice made me horny (not to mention the roach I smoked while talking), and since we’ve had phone sex countless times, well it was a gimme we were both going to cum while talking, lol.

We talked about my toys as I took them out, and he told me he found a porn magazine that has a pic of a chick playing with a dildo almost just like mine. I offered to send him dirty pics of me so he could have the real thing, but we both knew that wasn’t gonna happen. Not unless he gets his own PO box so I can send him mail so she won’t find out, lol.

I told him to listen to how wet talking to him was making my pussy, and lowered the phone so he could hear the wetness of my dildo sliding in and out. He started talking dirty to me, painting a picture verbally while stroking himself harder. I came pretty quick and squirted all over my hand and dildo. His encouraging low whispers of how hard he was fucking me right now, and seeing him in my minds eye plunging deeper in my pussy made me cum even more.

With no one home, I could scream and moan in ecstasy as loud as I wanted. And when he verbally took his throbbing cock out after fucking me hard and started slapping my clit with it, that was all she wrote! I came really loud and my juices just started fountaining out of my clenching pussy, running down my ass cheeks and crack and finally I could feel them puddle down the small of my back.

As I gasped in orgasm again and again, I heard his sharp intake of breath. I closed my eyes and I could almost see his face, eyes rolling up to their whites while he grasped his cock in a tight fist. My un-stifled moans filled my bedroom, while I mentally watched him explode and pull the cum deep from his within balls, enjoying and sharing in his pleasure as it spilt over like white lava. Mmmm, tasty . . . We got off the phone and he promised to stay in touch more often. I could get used to that (grin).

I started this post out today standing in the front doorway, naked, looking out at the little lake outside and holding a purring kitten. I thought about the things that are changing all around me, the scenery, climate, the family finances . . . and I realized that I’m not as enthused about Steve’s moving out here now that it’s gotten delayed. He’s cut way down on his drinking, I can tell from our conversations. But will it be enough to keep us together?

When we talked the other day I tried to get him to pinpoint an approximate date or range of dates that he would be leaving, and he just couldn’t give it to me. I asked him several times, point blank, and finally to avoid an argument I just said goodbye and hung up the phone. It’s given me doubts, that’s for sure. Well, enough of my ramblings for the day, I need to get back to my crocheting so I can finish this afghan before Christmas or if I hurry, to give my Nana for her 89th birthday in a couple weeks.

Kisses!