Tha – Tha- That’s All Folks! . . . Entry for February 28, 2007

I started seriously blogging one year ago today, though you can’t find the post here though. Back last Memorial Day Weekend the yahoo censors killed a lot of posts and people’s accounts for “mature” content. They are all in my blogger archive here though, but you might want to wait until the summer when it’s published, cause I’m turning it into a book, lol.

My first post was about the night I went out to a bar and got my first piece of ass in MONTHS. This Anniversary post won’t let ya down. I got a call from my friend Lars (who I hadn’t talked to in weeks) asking me if I wanted to come over and smoke one. I figured “Why not?” He was on his way home from work so that gave me enough time to shower and get dressed since I’d been napping when he called, lol.

I got there and parked my little silver Toyota behind this camper he bought with his tax refund so now you couldn’t see my car from the road at all. “Pretty sneaky,” I thought, “but its not like he cares much if we get caught” I though. So I went inside his house feeling horny and naughty at the same time, since this IS where he lives with his wife.

We chit chatted and smoked a blunt while catching up on what’s been going on with each other lives. About halfway through tokin’ on the blunt, he waves me off when I tried to pass it. “I’m already stoned enough as it is” he confessed. I put it out cause I realized just then I was pretty fucking high too! I consider myself lucky, weed acts like an aphrodisiac on me. Not that I need to be any hornier, but you know what I mean (wink).

We sat there just talking, then he leans over and reaches for me in a hug, and whispered some sweet nothings in my ear, but I wasn’t listening. This time I had my emotional guard waaaay up and no way was I gonna let it fall for any sweet talk. This was going to be pure, hot sex and fuck the romance bullshit. I know I sound jaded but I am, lol.

He kissed me deeply and it made my already damp crotch even wetter. I reached for his belt and unbuckled it blindly and reached in for the prize. Our lips and tongues, arms and legs, hell, everything was entwined, like wild vines. I slowly unbuttoned my denim shirt (the one I’m wearing in the pic above, hehehe) and raise one of my tits to his mouth, trying to feed his need and mine at the same time.

It wasn’t long before I was on my knees in front of his couch sucking cock, trying to fulfil my deeper need. I took him deep down my throat as I slipped off my sneakers (how apropos, lol) without looking at anything else, but watching him watch me suck his dick. I laid back on his living room carpet to take off my pants, with shirt wide open. Lars stood there for a second, looking down at me, admiring my plush curves and black haired bush before slipping his clothes off too.

He was already hard and wet from my short blow job, so I spread my pussy wide open to give him a good view of his dick sliding in. Oh damn it felt sooo good and my juices started flowing immediately. I squeezed my pussy muscles down tight and he told me “Slow down doll, or you’re gonna make me shoot this load too quick!” and he wanted it to last. Then again, so did I, so I cooled it down a notch.

I relaxed into the carpet and watched his face while he got a great view of his cock sliding slowly into my soaked pussy. I couldn’t help it, I tried holding back, but I tightened up and came all over his cock, kissing him while I trembled and bucked. I enjoyed looking into his face as he watched my pussy cum. I started stroking my clit with one hand, while the other was playing with his balls and I got wetter still.

Taking his cock out of my pussy, he smacked my clit with his hardon. Damn that always makes hotter than a firecracker on the 4th of July, and I fountained my juices all over him. I shoved that steel cock in my throbbing hole and drove my pussy up on it! He tried to tell me to slow down, but I grabbed his shoulders and thrust up, whispering in his ear “Fuck me hard, fuck me HARDER baby!”

My legs raised up, he pumped my pussy faster and deeper while my naughty fingers played with my clit and I came again and again, feeling my cum drip to his balls and hearing them slap up against my ass. I watched his face as I saw him trying to hold back, stretching out that moment of intense pleasure before everything explodes. I squeezed my pussy as tight and as high up as I could while driving that dick deeper.

I watched his whole body go over the edge, but I didn’t stop there. I kept rubbing my clit and cumming, pussy still pulsing on his dick while he rode a huge wave of orgasm that was so intense his face was scarlet. I was worried there for a second, and the thought crossed my mind “OMG, what if he cums and has a heart attack?” But slowly he came down from his orgasm and stood up.

I was quickly back on my knees in front of him before he could get dressed, licking the cum-munal taste of our sex off of his cock . . . that is such a turn on for me! I went into the other room to clean up, thoroughly satisfied, and got dressed again. I knew our remaining time together that afternoon was going to be pretty short, so I let him know that now that I switched bedrooms with the kids, sneaking in something in the middle of the night was possible.

Sometimes I think I’m so bad I need to be spanked! I should’ve know better than to tell him that, this guy is married fer Christ’s sake! But this time, I listened to none of the pretty words he was saying, avoiding anymore potential heart traps he may unknowingly lay here and there. This was pure lust I wanted and now I’m rediscovering that convenient dick isn’t such a bad thing after all . . .

Well, it’s been one year ago today I started this written journey into the single life of a BBW Mom. As Jerry Garcia once said “What a long strange trip it’s been . . .” I’ve had happiness and sorrow, and experienced a lil’ luv in between, with no regrets. This is my attempt on sharing what real life for me is, with it’s ups and downs and in’s and outs, lol.

Sometimes I’m brutally honest, and sometimes I’m full of shit, but all in all, it’s been one helluva journey . . . Thanks for sharing it with me!

Kisses!
tst

Score one for Techy (finish) . . . Entry for February 27, 2007

And now, on to the Party . . . It had been windy and rainy all day, but I was still excited about going to the swingers’ meet and greet Saturday night in Indiana. I was riding with my friend T and some friends of hers were supposed to meet up there. We arrived a little late and her friends were next door at the bar, a chick and 2 guys. One of the guys, “Jake” caught my eye, cause he had a really nice smile.

He definitely wasn’t my “type” though, cause I usually go for the “bad boys”, but as we were discussing who was going in with who (it saves money to go as a couple) I told Jake he could come in with me. I overheard his friend say “Jake’s already set up for the night!” and I turned around and rolled my eyes at them, it was definitely a turn off to me.

We drove from the bar to the club, and we watched Jake nearly get stuck in the mud while parking. He couldn’t hear us, but we clapped when he managed to pull himself out, lmao. I went inside first and put all the food up, and when he came up to the window, I told the lady at the door he was with me. I’d already stationed myself in the corner or the pool room, so our group all put their jackets and coats over with mine.

That all taken care of, my next item of importance was getting drunk and uninhibited, hehehe. I didn’t pay any particular interest in Jake at first, because I always go to these meet’s on a pussy hunt, lol. But after the first hour or so, I didn’t see anyone in particular that I wanted to play with at the time, so just decided to shake my butt and have some fun. I took off the shirt/dress I had on, and wore a sheer top (see above) and sheer black pants and nuthin’ else.

Jake was out there on the dance floor having fun dancing around and had more women on him than flies on a dead catfish! He had also changed from the Izod long sleeve polo shirt and jeans he was wearing, into a T-shirt and PJ bottoms, and I must admit, he looked good in em. I went and wandered over to the corner of the tables where all my friends were sitting and started hanging out.

I looked out on the dance floor and he was dancing with like 3 chicks at once and they were all yelling “take it off, take it off” to get him barechested, and it worked. Hehehe, they didn’t have to twist his arm too hard, apparently he’s done the male stripper thing a time or two (grin). At 6 ft, short medium brown hair, pretty eyes and cute freckles . . . with that innocent look I bet he made good money too!

(Wolf whistle sound) He looked REAL good with his shirt off! Nice pecs and a great six-pack to boot! I was drinking my homemade Mead as usual then I started drinking the Jell-O shots (my first time, believe it or not) that were being passed around. There’s really only a couple guys I’ll flirt and dance with at the parties, and it’s more fun than serious seduction, but there was something about Jake that I was liking more and more.

But like I said, he was being treated like fresh meat, and even though I wanted him too, I didn’t chase him. At one point he wandered off into one of the more private rooms with this skinny little Prima Donna for a lil’ action. Now it’s not that I was jealous or anything stupid like that, but I only call her that because she made a big stink to management about guys being in the co-ed bathroom. I mean come on, it’s a SEX party full of rednecks, what the fuck do you expect? Valet attendants? Lol

I drank, shot pool, and did a lot more Jell-O shots, and felt like dancing. I tried grabbing and dragging one of my close male friends out on to the dance floor (Hi F&M!), but he didn’t like the song, so I grabbed Jake instead. Whoa Mama, this boy was making me hot! I guess it’s like that country song says, they get prettier at closing time, but for me it’s more like I get hornier near closing time, hehehe.

I don’t remember what song was playing, but I tried yanking his PJ bottoms down, but the damn things had a fucking drawstring! That wasn’t much of a problem though, he untied em for me real quick. I pressed my body up against his, and felt his hard-on stiff on my tummy (since I’m only 5 ft). I straddled his thigh with my pussy and rubbed it on down his leg as I dropped to one knee in front of him, taking his PJ’s with me.

I had cock in hand on it’s way to my mouth when I realized his dick had the most DELICIOUS upward curve! OMG, curved cock hits my g-spot PERFECTLY! My pussy lips got immediately wet as I slipped his cock through my upper lips and sucked it right there in the middle of the dance floor. I used my other hand to play with my pussy as I sucked him off for a minute or two, then raised up and put my fingers in his mouth to taste me.

I knew then, I wanted this boy (he’s 10 years younger than me) in my bed! It wasn’t just that he had a great curved cock either, but I liked his sunny personality, I found it refreshing. We wandered, apart and drifted back together sever times in the next couple hours, but then near closing time, I told him I wanted him to come home with me.

I knew he had more than his share of offers, so as incentive while I sat there chatting in a love seat with a friend of his. Jake wandered over to where we were sitting and I told him to come here and put his cock in my face, and licked it all over. As I sucked and nibbled on his rising cock, Jake told his buddy “I bet I could fuck her from behind while she gave you head”

I lifted my mouth off his dick and answered “As drunk as I am right now, you’re probably right!” and laughed. I did play with the other guy’s cock and licked it for a sec, but that was all, and I was up and running again. It was getting late so I started helping clean up the food area and with that done, I decided to shoot myself one last game of pool.

I was about halfway when my guy friend F came over to shoot some stick with me. He’d taken only one shot when this chick I’ll call “Auntie Em” picked up the balls and moved em on the table and F put his stick down and walked out. I couldn’t believe it! So I put my cue stick away and decided to go take a piss and cool off. I saw F’s wife M in the restroom and told her what happened, and she couldn’t believe it either.

Then Auntie Em walked in and I couldn’t shut up. I told her she was helluv fucking rude to mess with our game like that and it was bullshit. She half-assed told me was sorry and told M to tell her hubby she was sorry too. But I said “No, YOU go tell him, you’re the one that ruined our game!” so Auntie Em left and then came back in and said she apologized to him, so then I walked out of the rest room and left it at that.

A little while later I heard through the grapevine that Auntie Em and her little “clique” was saying how they don’t like me, and I couldn’t give a rats ass if they did or didn’t. It’s not my fault they’re jealous, cause that’s what it seems like to me. Hell, I don’t even know WHY they’re jealous, if that’s what it is! I’ve never said or done nothing to them. Maybe they are just insecure, who knows . . .

Anyways, that was the drama of the evening, and all I knew and cared about was that Jake was taking me home and I was gonna do my best to rock his world. We talked on the ride to my place and I started liking this guy more and more. He seemed honest, open and fun to be with, not to mention I thought he was sexy too, with his cute little baby face!

On the drive home I started playing with his cock, and him my pussy, but we had to stop that right away unfortunately. The drive back to my house is over back roads with lots of twists and turns and it was still raining. But we did manage to stop at least once and take a blow-job break, lol.

I was kind of surprised that I had him take me home in the first place, cause (so far) I hadn’t brought anyone, male or female, back to my place. I couldn’t put my finger on just why I did, and it wasn’t just the prospect of sex, cause I try to keep my home life and my party life separate and distinct. I dunno, I guess I can blame it on all those Jello shots and the fact I have the big bedroom and private bath now, lmao!

The “why” of it didn’t matter anyways, I was gonna fuck the hell outta this boy one way or another. I put on some music both of us liked and we got in a groove, laying on my bed, kissing and making out, our bodies already naked. Just stroking his pretty curved cock was making me hotter than fireworks on the 4th of July. I had to wrap my wet lips around that hardon, mmmm.

I soon found out though with that nice curve, I’d have to suck his cock with my ass and pussy towards him so I could get him deeper down my throat. I turned my body around and his fingers found my g-spot right away as I sucked, licked and moaned around the stiff dick in my mouth. Oh god I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to have that luscious curve in my pussy!

After a quick condom hunt, I climbed on top and slid slowly down the shaft, inch by inch (he was good sized too!) I was getting wetter and wetter. I came before I even got down to the base of his cock, then fucked him like a mad woman, digging my nails into his shoulders, grinding my pussy on him hard and rubbing my clit and my cum dripping down to his balls, it was fuckin’ hot!!!

That’s when I told him about webcamming and AWC (he’s not computer savvy) and pulled it up on my laptop. I brought up my webcam, and showed him all the other cams that were broadcasting right then. We went into a chatroom or two, but I was too horny to be in chat. I tried positioning the cam, but then the fucking was too damn good so I just let my cam view what it could, and even that was a lot!

Exhausted, we stopped for a bit and after he noticed my big bath tub, we just had to have a bath together, lol. There’s something so sensual about being naked in warm water with someone, it just makes me that much more horny. He fingered me into orgasm several more times as I watched in the mirrors surrounding the tub. The only disappointment I had was the fact that the Jacuzzi part doesn’t work.

By the time we were done playing in the bath and crawling back in my bed for another round of hot sex, it was starting to turn light outside and I suggested that a little sleep would recharge our batteries for another round before he would have to leave. So we snuggled down and he held me in his arms as I drifted off, purring like a contented pussy.

I woke up first, several hours later and decided to play alarm cock, er clock, hehehe. I’ve found the best way to wake a guy is to have him open his eyes to his cock in a pretty mouth, ring a ding ding, lol. I raised my head off his cock and this time he bent me over doggy style, fucking the hell out of my pussy while I was rubbing my clit with fingers, soaking his cock with my cum. It didn’t take too long before both of us were cumming again.

I gave him my phone number, and told him to call me, without asking for his number in return. I figured if he called me again, it was his choice and not just my just bugging him to come lay me. Cause I did want him to fuck me again . . .and again . . .and again . . .

Score one for Techy (start) . . . Entry for February 26, 2007

I had another major fight with my wonderful problem child yesterday, but this time I won, but the victory was bittersweet. It all started because of Sunday Breakfast. I had made a casserole of eggs, sausage, hashbrowns and cheese, and told them Breakfast was ready, and went into my bedroom because I was still nursing a hangover from the swingers’ party I went to the night before.

A few minutes later I heard both my sons arguing and to say I wasn’t in the mood for it is an understatement. Once again, they were fighting over food. You would think they way they fight over it they never get eat, but that’s not true, they’re both just greedy. I had baked the dish in a cast iron skillet, and it was simple enough to cut into quarters and everyone would have the same amount, but not with these two.

Shayne had given himself a piece and a half, and Steven was bitching about it, so I told them to bring their plates to me and I’d settle the matter, and distributed the food evenly. But they both were still arguing like little babies instead of the half-grown men they are, so I told them both to go stand in a corner in time-out for 5 minutes apiece.

Steven went over to a wall for his punishment and Shayne flatly refused, which didn’t go over too well with me. I followed him into his room, explaining to him oh yes he was going to stand up against the wall, because if he was going to act like a little child, I was going to treat him like one. I handled the situation pretty calmly considering I felt like slamming him in the corner and telling him just who the fuck does he think he is, but I had an Ace up my sleeve.

When Shayne was released from the “behavioral hospital” he signed a form saying that if he started displaying physical agression again, could have him readmitted. Also I had contacted the court-designated worker, at the suggestion of Children’s Services, about my son’s behavior as a fall back solution just in case he started getting violent again.

We’d gotten into another fight several days before and he grabbed my sleeve instead of my arm, which was his intent, but I ignored the incident. Also he had thrown a metal cooking utensil at his younger brother and it left a bruise, but I ignored that too, because I didn’t have enough details on the argument to decide who started what.

But this time when he became defiant, I wasn’t putting up with his bullshit anymore. I reminded him (OK, I screamed at him) that I not only could have his ass back in the hospital because of the fight with his brother, but I had another option too. I could have him thrown in Juvenile Hall for the bruise he left on his brother and if he didn’t get his ass in a time-out right now that’s just what I was going to do.

Apparently he recognized defeat, and stood up against the front door. He punched another hole in the wall the other day and I knew his fist could only make a dent in the door if he got pissed. I released his younger brother from his time out (smart kid) and told him to go wash the dishes while I sat in the living room to make sure Shayne complied with his “time-out”.

I sat there for 15 minutes while my son’s rage cooled down and the kitchen was cleaned. Then when his time was up, I sat them both down at the table, gave them equal portions on their plates and they ate in silence. For them it was over, but even with the meds, the whole debacle drained and depressed me and I spent the rest of the day and most of the evening in bed sleeping.

When I finally got up it was after 8pm and as 2Pac says in one of my favorite songs, “They try to say that I don’t care, I woke up and screamed fuck the world”. So I just stayed in bed re-reading a Steven King novel until both boys went to bed, waaay past their new bedtime of 9pm. That is to say I tried reading, but just couldn’t get into it, so I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep.

But instead I kept thinking about Saturday night’s party . . . but I’ll save that story for later on today.

Playing catch up (part II) . . . Entry for February 22, 2007

Damn, playing catch up kinda sux, especially when you’re in the mood to bitch, whine and complain about your kids, lol. But I did promise to post about the last swingers’ party that I went to, so here goes. If you remember from a few posts back, I was going to have my friend RV take me to the party, but as luck would have it, shit happened.

I had started getting ready for the party the night before by curling my hair in rag rollers (remember when your grandma would tear up an old sheet and roll her hair with the strips?) which took hours with all this hair of mine. I wanted to have Shirley Temple curls to complete my cupid outfit.

Well, Saturday afternoon RV calls me and says his sister is having early labor pains and wasn’t going to be able to make it to the party. Damnit! I was ready to party without having to worry about driving myself home, not to mention maybe having some fun with my new friend. Luckily my friend down the road was going to the party after all and said she’d take me.

Now I could get totally trashed if I wanted to without worrying about a DUI. We got to there a little late, after 10pm, but the party was in full swing (pardon my pun, lol) when we finally did arrive. I kinda like getting there late, cause by that time most inhibitions people have are already lost, lol, and it saves me time. I was kinda bummed though, cause RV couldn’t go, but pretty soon I had drank my blues away.

The little cutie I had played with a couple times, “Cat”, was there again lucky me! We crossed paths in the bathroom (again, lol) and kissed. There’s just something more sensual about kissing a woman compared to kissing a man. Usually, that is, cause I’ve kissed some women too that don’t know how to kiss either, lol.

She told me she was glad to see me too, but unfortunately she was on the tail end of her period. “So what?” I replied. “As long as your kitty isn’t too messy, I’ve earned my red wings” I told her grinning. She grinned back, and kissed me again, this time I slipping my hands under her shirt too. I got them nipples hard while my tongue kissed her pouty lips. After a few minutes of that we came up for air and I promised to hook up with her later.

It was a lingerie party and most of the ladies were wearing next to nothing, me included. I had on a short sleeved, completely sheer, plain, white sheath-type dress and a pair of white cotton boy-leg panties, and a pair of white feather wings and bow and arrow to top it off. I had painted the red latex hearts over my nipples, which was more fun than I thought it would be.

I was drinking pretty steady so it wasn’t long until I wandered over to the table that Cat was sitting at. She had a guy on each side of her, touching and kissing her, when I joined in and started touching her too. She smiled that sexy impish grin at me and I kissed that wet tasty mouth. When our lips parted I found my hand was down her pants, rubbing at a hard little clip.

I whispered into her ear as my fingers probed her pussy, “That was so fucking hot last time I crawled under the table, can I do it again?” I asked. “Sure!” was her reply when I heard one of the guys with her say something about “red wings” and I just kinda giggled. I was sure she wouldn’t let me go down her if she knew she was flowing bad, it’s a girl thing, ya know?

I moved a couple chairs aside and lifted my white lingerie dress off my knees (to keep it clean, lol) and crawled underneath the long table, while the guys on each side of her were busy taking off her pants. That was fun to watch, each had a leg in their hand, and her pussy was right in my face as I pulled her panties aside to take a closer look.

My fingers stroked her pretty pink little lips as the pants came off. Then I dove in headfirst and latched my lips fast on her clit and the taste was so erotic. I licked a finger as I lapped at her pussy, and inserted it slightly, watching the men’s faces absorb her pleasure. I really like making this chick cum!

Raising my head, I tugged at the panties cause now I wanted to feel her ass under my hands. Her two male friends had them off in a flash, and now I had 2 fingers inside her, rubbing that g-spot, tongue flicking away. She laid her head back and moaned while I fucked her with my fingers and sucked that swollen clit.

I grabbed one of her ass cheeks and pulled her closer to me, trying to swallow her whole, and I felt her body shiver with orgasms. But I wouldn’t stop until I was done feeding off her pleasure, like a sexual vampire, filling up the void inside of me so I could take it out and savor it later in solitude.

Finally full, and she fulfilled, I scooted out from under the table and gave her a big hug and kiss, thanking her for the pleasure of her pleasure. She was grinning from ear to ear and I knew she would get fucked like hell from her boyfriend later on, and when they both came, I would hope they would be thinking of me, and I’d be able to feel it at home with “Ruffles” in hand.

Dear Mama . . . Entry for February 20, 2007

I started writing my post about the party but that was until drama hit me full in the face, so to speak. First off, I’m on the rag, so not really in the best of moods. Add one phone call with my irrational mother then two teen boys arguing over food (again) and one smart ass trying to act like his view of the world is actually reality and you end up with one fucked up night.

The fight with my Mom was inevitable after I told my son to go away with some stupid question from his homework that he could figure out if he wasn’t so damn lazy. Her whole take on the matter is that I’m not sacrificing myself for my children. WTF is she talking about? My whole sanity has been sacrificed for these kids. What does she want my flesh and blood too? Well they’ve had that from birth.

Then the fight with the boys . . . Now mind you I have warned them both that I’m on my period and not to fuck with me, but then listening to them fight like 2 little bitches over who has the biggest pieces of chicken, it drove me over the edge. Then my problem child was like "I only had 2 sandwiches to eat today!" When he finally did fix himself a sandwich this afternoon it was when I told him to move his PC back into the living room.

That was a stupid move, cause then I took it and put it up in the shed. Finally the last straw was when he tried to tell me I never do anything. Uh HELLO? Who cleaned all these carpets in the house and switched rooms? I really flipped a switch then, and thank GOD I had taken my meds earlier, cause I confronted him in his room and threw his plate of food out of his hand (which shouldn’t have had in there anyway.

He grabbed my sleeve then twisted it, and I think he was trying to hurt my arm, but missed. But, once again, stick a fork in me I’m done. I’m going to the court-designated worker in the morning, I’m not taking any more of this shit from him. It may take 2 months to get him into the job corps, but if he lays a hand on me again, I’m going to lay him out.

As for the title of this post, after sending them both to bed, I went into my room to play my favorite 2Pac song, from his "Me Against The World" CD, "Dear Mama". That song has a lot of meaning for me, it was such a struggle raising these kids alone. And now to have my son disrespect me so much, I hope that someday he appreciates the things I did for him that he refuses to see now.

Playing catch up (part I). . . Entry for February 17, 2007

Shit, where do I begin? Sooo much crap (mostly bad, but some good) has went on since last week, it’s hard to pick a place to start. I guess I’ll work my way from now back to last weekend at the swing party, heheheh. I’m evil that way (BWAHHH HAAA HAAA). That experience I won’t be forgetting soon (evil grin).

But first, I’m on a good combination of meds now, thank (insert your favorite deity here). The Cymbalta had sexual side effects I couldn’t tolerate, and the Klonopin did nothing but make me sleepy. So now I’m taking Remeron for depression, Xanax for anxiety, Geodon for my bi-polar disorder and just now Halcion for sleep.

I know, I can hear y’all now “(whistle sound) Dayum! I didn’t know she was THAT fucked up in the head!” but the situation with my semi-adult childern pushed me to it. My moods are improving, and so far no side effects sexually (inorgasmia) with all the meds. My libido is still good, and last night I used a fresh battery and had a good, hard orgasm watching chicks masturbate on AWC,lol.

Actually I was watching several women at once, imagining “Ruffles” was being driven by a body. Mmmm, sliding that dildo in time with the pussies on cam. There was this one chick with this jelly dildo that was fucking herself silly, but then again so was I, lol. But then this chick with HUGE tits and a corset started playing with herself and that was it for me, I was squirting all over the place, lol.

My only regret was that there wasn’t someone else driving my acrylic dildo for me. Because then, they could take me over the edge again and again, instead of stopping just after the first couple of orgasms like I do. I can’t help it, orgasming alone it doesn’t seem worth putting forth the extra effort if I’m just by myself, roflmao!

OK, on to the next thing . . . my son that was in the “Behavioral Health Facility” has been back home since early this week. Things have been a little better. He has now learned that there are a lot worse places than home to be in. Though he still thinks he hit me in “self defense” when I smacked his face with my left hand.

We have a therepy session soon and I’m going to make SURE he knows that no matter what the reason, it was not acceptable in any way, shape or form. His father is/was and abuser, my mother was and for real, I’ve tried to hard to break the cycle. He just doesn’t realize that there have been times when I wanted to be the holy fucking shit out of him and could have, but there’s this thing called restraint and he needs to learn it.

Oh, and he was diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and Narcissistic disorder and Parent/Child conflict. I wasn’t too surprised at the diagnosis. I plan on sending him to Job Corps, but it’s proving to be bit more difficult than calling them and saying “Hey, I want him enrolled.” If he behaves and goes to family therapy, I might let him stay. I haven’t sent him back to school yet, he’s been helping me a little on switching bedrooms.

I’VE GOT THE BIG BEDROOM NOW!!!!!!!!!! When we first moved here, I warned em that if the room didn’t stay clean, they would lose it. Now they know I meant what I said and they’re not liking it too much, but I’m ecstatic! I have 2 windows that look out over the lake (covered with about 4 inches of snow right now), 2 big closets, a big dresser and my own bathroom with Jacuzzi (not working though).

The bathroom needs work, but that’s my next goal, other than finding a damn job first. I had a job scheduled to do today, ($25.00 and hour too!), 2 ½ hours away, but Mother Nature in all her wisdom decides to dump a bunch of snow and ruin my plans. Like last month, that was the only job I had scheduled for the month, and that screws me completely.

I had to borrow $200 bucks from my Mom this past week to pay my electric and phone (it got cut off), and she’s also sending me a Tracfone prepaid card so my cell doesn’t get cut off. I could have gotten an agency to pay the electric at one point, but the Landlady (it’s in her name) paid it early, so they couldn’t pay me to pay her back, since the bill was paid, if that makes sense, lol.

Anyways, if you got any spare change, I’ll be taking PayPal donations for the “Keep Techy Online and Warm” fund. I don’t have the money to pay my Internet Service Provider and the landlord STILL hasn’t fixed my furnace and so I’m using Kerosene to heat with.

The price of it always seems to go up when the temp goes down. And I got 10$ left in the bank. You may donate your change to the Keep Techy Warm and Online fund using the email address thesexy_tech@anywebcam.com in the To: field on the right.

I told ya I had a sucky week, didn’t I? But there were some good times too, like the swingers’ party, but I’ll save that for part II . . .

Things that make you go hmmm . . . Entry for February 10, 2007

I’m sitting here making my son clean up this garbage dump of a room, and bored I decided to play a game or something on my laptop. I wasn’t sure what I still had on here, but I found this Tarot program I forgotten I had. Now I’m not a total Newbie to the Tarot, I have a Rider Deck and reference manuals and have done a couple readings that really seemed to relate to the person I was doing the reading before.

Well, out of boredom, I pull up the program on my laptop and picked a Celtic Cross Tableau and the prevailing question in my mind was about the swing party tomorrow night. The first card position (current influences) was the 3 of swords: betrayal (my son calling Children’s Services on me)

Card 2 (immediate obstacles) was the Lovers – Attraction, Desire, Love, A choice between a higher union and a lower one (!!!), Conflicting desires, bonds of mutual benefit or affection. Well, a whole lot of shit can be read into all those being obstacles, lol.

The third card is goals, objectives or the best that can be accomplished by me at this time. This card was unsurprisingly the queen of pentacles. This is “My” card, one that best represents me in readings, a sensual and motherly woman. So this means, just be who I am (easy to do, lol).

The Fourth position card is about your past that made you who you are, for me the 8 of wands. Which indicates a tendency to act impulsively (oh how true!). Card five is recent past events that have been influencing your life, I got the Strength card in this case. It stands for strength, passion, strong drives and emotions, also true.

Future influences are the 6th card, Ace of Cups (shit, this is getting spooky). It represents new feelings, flood of strong emotions, a lifting of depression (the meds are helping), the beginning of a new love affair or renewal of an existing one (hmmm). The seventh card shows me in my present state, and is the Justice card, it shows dealings with the legal system (real spooky now) and a positive outcome.

Card 8, represents my influence on things around me. This card is the ten of swords (oh shit!). It can mean defeat, an irrevocable loss that must be accepted or loss of a goal, job or relationship. I hope it doesn’t mean the current disintegrating relationship I have with my twin sons. The ninth card position is for inner emotions, my hopes or fears.

I drew the seven of pentacles for this one, meaning the end results may take time, but keep doing what is needed and I will eventually be rewarded (karma). And lastly the tenth card position is the end result of the reading , the culmination of all the influences of the reading.

I pulled the Magician for this position, meaning if I I stay on course and use my power wisely, I have the ability to achieve what I desired. But I must use my will intelligently, in order for my intentions to succeed, instead of my impulsive emotions. Well, I’m gonna look at the reading this way,

I haven’t dabbled with the Tarot in months, but every time I have done a reading the signs are there that I have some small talent for it. True, none of these cards were reversed, and I’m not sure if the program I used even uses the reversal of cards in it’s interpretations, but I thought it kind of an odd that seemed to touch on all the bases that are going on in my life right now.

Well wish me luck at the swingers party tomorrow, from the sounds of my reading, exciting things are sure to happen,

Kisses!

I hate mother#$&*%^ moving!!! . . . Entry for February 8, 2007

I fucking HATE moving! I had to move twice the year that I moved into this trailer. The first time I moved out of a 3 bedroom brick home I’d lived at for 5 years. Not to mention I had to do it all alone, using my Toyota Paseo and only 1 pickup truckload of appliances. Try fitting a 3-bedroom house full of stuff into a 2-bedroom trailer, it wasn’t easy. I could’ve used either Davids Blaine or Copperfield’s help, lol.

Then 3 months later after getting royally screwed by my friend’s husband that I was renting from, I found this little piece of paradise for only $325 a month. Unfortunatly, the small bedroom was smaller than the one I just moved out of, but the master bedroom was huge. So of course my 3 sons got the big room with it’s own bathroom and Jacuzzi tub (that doesn’t work).

I told them a year ago that if they didn’t keep it clean, I was going to take the room. And now that my family had been rearranged, the room is mine, even if both my twins move back home. I must admit, my own bedroom was pretty fucking messy, but most of the mess was clothes cause I only had one tiny closet and small chest of drawers.

I’ve learned from experience NOT to put my stuff in their closet if I wanted to keep it, so my room stayed a mess. But thier mess that I have to clean up to move in here! OMG, if I had any money at all I’d pay someone to do it for me, or even trade for sex (evil grin). I’m at the point of getting a shovel and just saying "Fuckit! If they wanted to keep it in the first place, they should have put it away."

Now I have 2 large closets, and a large chest of drawers and a big bathroom with tub and shower and 2 sinks! But the crap to clean up is daunting! I made it a point not to come in my sons’ room too often, it just started fights, but the bathroom too? UGH! I had to pour chemicals all over the toilet bowl and let it eat the dirt off the porcelain overnight. I’ve seen cleaner toilets at gas station restrooms!

There is a bright side to all of this though (OK, it’s a pervy side, lol). I have enough room, and if I get my Jacuzzi working, I could have "After Parties" when the swing parties are over, hehehe. Speaking of parties, I’m going to one in Louisville this Saturday. I’m going with this guy I met on Yahoo Personals, RV. He’s pretty cool, a gaming geek like me.

I met him a couple weeks ago and he showed me how to play World of Warcraft (I was already a Diablo II LOD addict) and it was sooo fucking cool! But expensive to play online, so out of my budget. Anyhoo, I noticed he had a carpet cleaner at his house, so when he emailed me I asked him if he wanted to trade use of his carpet machine for dinner, and he thought it was a fair trade. Then I got a better idea.

I has shown him AWC and we’d had sexual discussions, (he’s read my blog) but when we met I thought he was kinda shy, a little reserved. So I asked him if he wanted to go with me to the party this Saturday as my non-date. It’s a VD (Valentines Day) party and I hate VD, it’s so commercial.

You should let the one you love know they’re special more than once a year. OK, OK, I admit it, I always feel like such a loser without a love on VD. Anyways, RV said sure and this way I get to party my ass off too, since I won’t be driving, wooo hooo! It’s a sexy lingerie party too, but I’m usually half naked by midnight already, lol. It’ll be fun seeing all those hot half-dressed sexy women, and dropping to my knees in front of them, mmmm.

Now if I could only motivate myself to get this room switch finished . . .

The Joy of having Sons . . . Entry for February 4, 2007

Oh the joys of having boys . . .

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O
15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of the Women who read this will pass this on to most of their friends, with or without kids,
25. But 80% of the Men who read this will probably try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

And this will make at least one of us tearfully despair the lost innocence and all-inclusive boyhood love of those “Joyful Sons” who are now mutating into thoughtless, careless and hurtful young enigmas

Title

This is the hardest thing
You could ever believe
I feel a Mother’s love crying out the holes in my heart
Like a fine mesh sieve

You were my toothless milk vampires
Who shared a womb with a view
Your declaration of war has fragmented my mind
Crushing my soul in two

Physicians debug our programming
Though placebos aren't really a cure
I wish I had a “WayBack” machine, undoing mistakes
Before they even occur

With Joyful's inevitable duality
Comes Despair, the evil twin brother
And Fate's remains the dice roller in your Game of Life
When your title changes to “Mother”

Duel-ality (written about my twins over a decade ago)

A life sentence shared
Lasting only 35 weeks
A prison breakout 35 days
Prior to scheduled release
Identical terracotta vases
Cultivated with incompatible vines
Nourished on harmonious discord
Up and over the wall they intertwine
Brothers-at-arms
Always armed against each other
The only thing held in common
Is waging war against “The Mother”
Their nightly truce is parlayed
Beneath the knowing moonlight
Snuggled close in reluctant slumber
Conceding to never again fight

Thanks go to my good friend SexyMistress for emailing me this today, here’s how our conversation went:

----- Original Message ----
Subject: Re: Fwd: FW: The Joy of having Sons
“I guess you haven't read my blog lately, but you're email just wrote my next entry, hope you're having a good weekend!
Kisses!”

“lmao Techy! I read your blog just after i sent this........ im sorry to hear your having so many problems with your boys. But you will be glad to know that YOU are not at fault. (been there done that have the tshirt ) i now wake up everyday knowing that i taught my daughter right from wrong but as with leading a horse to water you can only teach it to them you cant force them to use the information wisely. i pray everyday that she will sometime in her life get her head out of her ass an realize that she is better then all she is going through. i woke up the day she said to me," YOU WERE NEVER THERE FOR ME AND NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR ME" hmmmm lets see

9 plastic surgeries for removal of a birthmark
10 different surgeons’ appt. every 2 months from the time she was 4 weeks old
spinal meningitis ( held her for the spinal taps and sat in isolation for 5 days)
testing her hearing cuz we thought she was deaf(she didnt speak until she was 3)
never missed a field trip for school
at least 4 ear infections a year till she was 6
3 sets of stitches
watching as the police drug her from my home stoned because of a dumbass boy friend
countless nights staying up all night cuz she had disappeared
sitting in court with her on a drug paraphernalia charge paying all the fines
counseling
at 18 broke both bones in her forearm just shy of compound (good thing i had insurance on her that one ran just shy of $32,000)
i listed all of this and more to her and then said you know i wonder who that
woman was that held you through all that . i would love to meet her she must be very special.
she is in florida right now and i can only hope she is staying away from the crack and such. she calls me here and there and always ends the conversation with i love you mom.
last month i told her "when her male friend called me and told me she had done crack again" Destiny i taught you better then that you have stolen from me, lied to me and put me through hell alll i can do now is tell you that i love you and hope that you will remember all the things i taught you and hope you do the right thing.

lmao and the moral to all this is remember back to when they were small and like your pics show you had a
wonderful time
YOU played with them
YOU took care of them
YOU sat with them when they got hurt
YOU kept them safe
YOU taught them right from wrong
but i dont imagine that you taught them to be idiots they learn that all on their own and all YOU can do now is pray that they start using all that info and become good people ( like YOU)
TIME TO QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP
YOU DIDNT DO NYTHING WRONG
always remember to take care of you and if nobody else tells you today i will, I LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE AND I THINK YOU ARE SPECIAL
HUGGSSSSSSSS from the long winded mother of 3 girls
love ya hun
SexyMistress

p.s. the only difference between boys and girls is one stands to pee and i think my of my girls has tried that lol”

Wasn’t that an awesome note? Love ya too SexyMistress!

And the drama goes on and on and . . . Entry for February 2, 2007

Ya know, I really must be fucking crazy (yea, like y’all don’t know that, lol) but slept with my ex husband yesterday. But wait, I’m getting way ahead of myself. It all started when I was talking to my ex earlier about coming to pick up our son Vaughan, hopefully this weekend since I was still having a hard time dealing with him.

I told him he could spend the weekend visiting the kids if he wanted and I slipped in a "I could really use a good fuck too ya know!" and we both laughed. But I figured "What the hell!" If it would get his ass out here to pick up our son, then fuck it, I was willing to take one for the team, lmao!

Since I knew he was "unattached" at the moment, he probably would take me up on the offer. Not that having a girlfriend wouldn’t stop him anyways, he’s cheated on someone or other for all the 25 years I’ve known him. But both of us were broke, so it would have taken a little creative financial planning to come up with the gas money.

But that was until my smartass son took it up a notch. I had teeth cleaning appointments at the dentist for the whole family, but since we still had to take it easy on Steven’s ear and Shayne was in the psych hospital, only Vaughan and I could go. So I picked him up from school and he was still acting sullen and brooding, so I didn’t talk to him much. But then when I was waiting for my appointment, my cell phone rang.

It was Child Protective Services, or as they like to call it now "Protection and Permanency" informing they had received a complaint about me. I was kinda surprised, because during the whole fracas with my sons, never once was I aggressive or abusive (in my eyes anyways). All I was trying to do was make them be compliant.

The case worker told me she had already spoken to my son Vaughan at school and Shayne at the hospital, and now wanted to speak to my youngest one who is still at home until next week. I told her I was in the Dentist’s office, but that I could run by and see her while they were cleaning my son’s teeth, in about an hour or so and that was fine with her.

When I arrived she asked about all the incidents of this past weekend, I gave it to her in full detail and showed her the fading sunset bruise on my arm. Then she read to me what the complaint was: Apparently my son Shayne made a report from the hospital saying I was smoking marijuana in front of them and when I ran out of food stamps I was making them buy groceries with their own money, which was total BULLSHIT!

The only time I made them buy groceries was for unnecessary crap like Miracle Whip Salad dressing when I have a half a gallon of mayonnaise in the fridge. And I refuse to buy boxed (or bagged) cereal anymore because they waste most of it by letting it go stale because they are too damn lazy to close the bag and keep it fresh.

Shayne was bitching the other day saying trying to say I always buy name brand stuff for me and only get generic crap for them, just because I bought myself some Golden Graham’s Cereal (Mmmm, my favorite!). I got lucky and found it half price on sale for $1.99 a box and put it in my room. That was probably the first box of cereal I had bought in 4 months.

Yea, I’m sooo abusive! He also said there’s hardly any food in the house, and in a way he’s right. My cupboards are only half full, instead of overflowing as usual because it’s the end of the month and the only job I had this month paid $120.00 (which went mostly to groceries).

The caseworker also told me that Shayne is refusing to take his medicine and as he’s probably figured out by now they will hold him down and shoot it in his ass if he doesn’t comply. So I leave the Social Worker’s office with a promise to bring Steven by tomorrow, and on the ride back to the Dentist can hardly wait to ask Vaughan just what the hell he told the lady.

But when I pick him up and ask him, the only reply I get is a "I don’t remember" and for me, that was the last straw. I told him "You are so full of fucking shit and you know what? You’re giving me 50$ of your money to get your ass to your Dad’s, I’ve had it with you!" and he acted like he didn’t care. Good for him.

So when we got home, I asked him to give me the cash and he held up three $20’s and asked if I had a ten. I snatched the money from his hand and said "Nope!" and told him to pack all his shit, he was leaving tonight. I drove the 2.5-hour trip with both remaining sons in stony silence. Before we left I told him he wasn’t taking anything I had given him for Christmas or his computer either. Needless to say that didn’t go over well.

Yes, it was bitchy of me, but fuck that shit! I’ve sacrificed enough for these kids their whole lives and I don’t deserve to be treated this way, so he can kiss my ass as far as I’m concerned. I know for sure he regrets what he did, but if he doesn’t learn the consequences of his actions now, when he finally turns 18 reality is really gonna kick him in the balls. Better to have him pissed off at me now than in real trouble down the line.

Well we get to my ex’s and I’m still pretty upset, but the meds are doing a great job of keeping my out of control emotions in check, which is such a relief! Normally I would have been freaking out left and right about losing my son again after it took 5 months to get them back last time, but I knew it had to be done.

After we get there, I took my ex (Bruce) off into his room to have a talk and to ask him to try to find out what Vaughan said to the social worker. We started talking about old times and he took out some family pictures of all of us and, uh, well . . . things got sentimental. Or should I say "sextimental" lol!

Alright, alright, we were both horny for each other, I admit it. I stripped my pants off just as fast as he did his and lay belly up on the bed, and he did an instant muff dive. Damn, I had forgotten that man had a well trained tongue! But what I really wanted was penetration and fast, so I whispered "Stick your fingers in me!" He raised his head up and thrust 2 fingers in deep and fast, and instantly my pussy was getting damp.

I did notice however he had forgotten exactly how to stimulate my g-spot expertly, but I forgave him. After all, it had been nearly 7 years since we’d had sex. Bruce was the first "freak" I’d ever been with and we’d tried it all (sexually) back in the day. As a matter of fact we met back in the early 80’s at Sutro Bathhouse, the only co-ed bathhouse in all of San Francisco. Think of it as a West Coast Plato’s Retreat. But that’s another story, lol.

He finger-banged me till my cum was dripping off his wrists, and then it was my turn and I told him to lay down. I started sucking his dick nice and slow, but damnit, that didn’t last long, I wanted cock, DEEP inside me. And I wanted it NOW! I straddled him and lowered my self slowly down on him, squeezing every last inch with my dripping pussy.

I rode and bounced and tried like hell to remember what our favorite position used to be, then I remembered it was from behind. I climbed off him with a "C’mere, fuck me from behind" and (typically male) he asks "Can I fuck you in the ass???" I laughed my ass off and said "Uh NO, and no ‘Oooops’ either" and he cracked up too, cause that happed in a serious way about 20 years ago and hurt like a sonuvabitch!

I tried to get him to grab me by the hair (I like that sometimes) but he was too busy spreading my ass cheeks and watching that cock go in my hole, probably imaging it was in my ass the whole time. Then he had me get off my knees and lay on the bed flat, with my big ol’ ass up in the air.

He lay on top of my back and slipped his dick in my soaked pussy and fucked me fast and hard through my tight ass cheeks, while grabbing a tit with each hand underneath me and squeezing hard! I was kind of curious where he picked that position up at, cause I didn’t really remember it being a part of our vast sexual repertoire, but what the hell, it still felt fucking great!

It wasn’t long before I was squeezing my pussy muscles tight and fucked the cum right out of his cock. He gasped and laid on top of my back panting and trying to catch his breath. He rolled off with his dick still hard, and I said "Uh uh, come here bad boy!" and wrapped my lips around his still hard cock and tasted my pussy juices mixed with his cum.

I lapped every inch of that dick and shoved his cock in my mouth as far as it would go, gagging pleasantly. He was still pretty hard and I pushed him back down on the bed and rode him backwards. With my ass facing him I tipped my head back, stoking his belly with my long, dark, silky hair as I pumped that still-hard cock again and again. I came several times before he finally couldn’t take it anymore and pushed me off him, laughing that we weren’t young as we used to be.

Maybe him coming to visit the kids out here every now and then wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all . . .

Forcing myself out of the box . . . Entry for January 30, 2007

Going to the therapist last Friday and spilling my soul was pretty easy for me. I knew it was the first step in my getting better and throwing off this encompassing depression, so I spilled my guts. Well most of my guts anyways, I tried to cover as much emotional territory in the meager hour that was allotted to me. That therapy session allowed me to get an appointment to see a psychiatrist so I could get back on meds again.

As I’ve sifted though all my inner turmoil, one thing has become clear to me: my kids are driving me fucking nuts! I’m serious, they are the main source of all the negative emotions in my life. If my twin teenage sons represented a relationship I was having with someone, I would have kicked ‘em to the curb loooong before now.

I feel real bad sometimes that I’m starting to countdown to when my last child turns 18 and I am finally free of the yoke of Motherhood. By that time I will have been a mother for nearly 30 years. Since I was s16 years old I’ve had someone to take care of constantly and I’m tired. It’s a thankless job that is really starting to take it toll on me.

I started writing this post last week, but never finished, because at the time I was working on another post and really it was more like getting my feelings out in the open (for myself) and examining them honestly. Since then (this past weekend) my home life has gone straight to hell because of my 16-year-old twin boys.

I’ve mentioned the problems I’ve had with my teens several times in my blogs, and I’ve also written about the good times. This time I’m writing about the worst of times. I’ve had to do something I had hoped never to have to do again, find placement for my kids cause I refuse to tolerate ANYONE putting their hands on me, and both of them crossed that brightly glowing neon line.

My family life has gone to shit with these kids, and my “problem child” has medical issues for being the way he is (Tourette’s and ADHD). But now his blatant defiance to want to do anything that’s his responsibility has rubbed off on his twin brother. And I’m not talking about trying to make them do something horrendous or untoward, all I want is for them to do their chores COMPLETELY without me having to stand their and make them get it done.

It started actually Thursday night when my son Vaughan didn’t finish the dishes (2nd day in a row) after I’d gotten on him twice about it. Instead he said he was “too tired” and was dozing on the couch, and I got pissed off and told him just to go to bed, I wasn’t up to another round of fighting.

During the night one of my cats had jumped up on the counter and knocked over a Corning ware plate, which literally shattered into hundreds of tiny pieces. Well Vaughan started arguing that the broken plate (my favoite plate!) wasn’t his fault, and my younger son Steven should have used a foam disposable plate instead (which he did at first, but sliced through it when he was cutting up his pork chop, so grabbed a regular plate).

I argued back that he should have washed ALL the dishes in the first place, and it wouldn’t have happened. Of course he disagreed with me and I told him if he argued again, I’d give him the dishes for another week as punishment. He just couldn’t keep his mouth shut and I told him that’s it, you got dishes again.

At that point he defied me and said he didn’t and I said “Yes you fucking do, you want em for the whole month? Just keep flapping them lips!” Well if looks could kill, I probably would have been dead and he answered me back with something like “The hell I am!” and went out the back door.

I had already taken away my twin’s shoes, jackets and glasses since they were being such assholes. So here I am, barefoot running out the back door after my son, and told him to get his ass back in the fucking house. Defiant still, he told me he wouldn’t until I calmed down. Unknown to him I had taken a Xanax so I was about as calm as I was going to get under the circumstances.

I told him I’d calm down (I wasn’t acting ballistic or enraged) once he got back in the house, and he still refused. So I gave him the old “I’m gonna count . . .” routine, and got as far as 2 when he mocked me with “3,4, 5” and that’s when I really got pissed. I went over to him and grabbed him by the nape of his neck (hair included) and told him he was coming back in the house.

I wasn’t trying to hit, hurt or abuse him, I just wanted him to comply with my wishes, but that’s when he decided to grab my upper arm and dig his fingers in hard. I still had him by the head and hair and laughed at him and said “So that’s the way you want to play? Dig harder then, I’ll have you on charges of assault!” and he did dig in harder.

I let go and told him to get his motherfucking ass in the house or he was going to make me do something I’d regret. I guess it finally hit him that I was NOT playing around and he went inside. I was holding myself together by the grace of god alone, and told him I was going down the street and the dishes better be done when I got back.

I jumped in my car and lost it comepletly. How could my “good twin” do this to me? Hysterical, I went to my friends house and attempted to get hold of my ex husband, because I refuse to have anyone lay their hands on me, whether it’s my own child or someone else. I left a message for him (mostly incoherent) to get a hold of me and that I wanted Vaughan to go live with him, I was tired of the shit.

I showed her the fresh bruise on my arm and we talked about my options. She was able to calm me down some, and I went home after a bit. I informed my son that I didn’t have to put up with that shit and he had several choices: 1) he could forfeit all his money (over 100$) and stay; 2) he could go into the Job Corps program; or 3) go live with his Dad. I told him he could let me know his decision the next day.

After all this shit, my youngest and my “evil twin” children started fighting again. During the course of the argument Shayne (my problem child) threw a piece of whittled stick at my youngest’s face (Steven just had ear surgery less than 2 weeks ago).

Shayne didn’t know I knew that little fact, so I asked him what happened, and he lied and stated “Nothing”. So I go “Really? So you didn’t throw that stick at Steven?” and he knew he had been caught. I was so fed up with all of Shayne’s lies by that time I told him the next time he lied to me, I was going to slap his face.

Well I went into my room and tried to “destress” but then I heard stuff being dragged into the living room from the boys’ room and went to see what was going on. Shayne was packing his things and putting them in there, so I asked “What the fuck are you doing?” He told me that since Vaughan got to go, he wanted to go too. I said “Uh uh, Vaughan doesn’t GET to go, he HAS to go”.

I told him that he’s got a medical reason why he’s an asshole, but his brother doesn’t. I also explained that Vaughan crossed a line when he put his hands on me, and that he can’t use that “self defense” bullshit cause I wasn’t trying to beat him up. I finally defused the situation and made everyone go to bed super early.

The next day came and I ordered Shayne and Steven to finish cleaning their room (again). I was still stockpiling their shoes and jackets in an attempt to foil their efforts of running away, just in case. Vaughan was quiet and somewhat subdued while continuing to clean the kitchen he never finished the day before when Shayne started arguing with his brother again

I can’t remember now what the fight was about, but he lied to me again, and I slapped his face like I promised. Now before you start freaking out, this was more of a “wake the fuck up I mean what I say” slap on his cheek rather than me trying to hurt him. It didn’t even leave a red mark, but what he did to me next did.

He struck my forearm hard enough to swell up a vein there and cause a 3-inch bruise. That was it, stick a fork in me I was DONE! He apparently hid a pair of holey sneakers and a jacket cause the next thing I know he’s sprinting out the back door and onto his bike. I was right on his heels and knocked him off the bike, so he took off running on foot.

I was only wearing flip flops so I ran back inside and grabbed my shoes, cell phone and car keys and said to hell with a jacket. I dialed my friend down the street and she didn’t see him running that way, but told me I needed to call 911 and they would get the Sheriff’s office for me, so I did. I drove down the road for about a mile in one direction, and then a mile in the other direction, but didn’t see him.

The Sheriff called my on my cell and after giving him the abridged version of what happened, he said he was on his way. I stopped at another neighbor’s house to ask if she had seen him running through their field when her husband drove up and said they had just spotted him down the road. The Sheriff called me back again and I updated him on Shayne’s whereabouts and he told me to wait right there for him.

He pulled up a couple minutes later and I had him follow me in his cruiser to the place where my son was seen, and there he was. The officer handcuffed him and put him in his patrol car and suggested we take him to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation, because the local children’s psychiatric hospital didn’t do intakes on the weekend.

So we go there and he gets checked out and the psyche nurse tells me they don’t admit juveniles there, but did recommend that we take him to the children’s psychiatric hospital for evaluation. I followed the officer in my car and we were shown into the intake office. As soon as the clerk comes in, she gives me this funny look and asks me “Do I know you?”

It was the same clerk that had done the intake paperwork on my son the last time I tried to get him admitted and was denied. Back then I asked the asshole Physician that said it was just a behavioral problem and not a medical issue “So what am I supposed to do?” and he replied “Bring him back in if it happens again.“ meaning his violent behavior.

I looked at her and said “Yea, we were turned away, remember? Well, he did it again, and this time to me” and I showed her the bruise. The paperwork seemed to take forever, and then it was still up in the air on wether or not he would be admitted, but I think the clerk said something to the attending, because they accepted him. I cried I was so happy, because my son needs help that I just can’t give him.

All this started about 1:30 pm and now it was after 9. I was emotionally and physically drained and still had problems to face once I got home. I decided to let my other son Vaughan sleep on his decision one more night, but he has chosen to live with his Dad. Now my only problem is getting my ex out here to come get him since his vehicle has been having problems.

Today I have started on my road to recovery. I managed to keep my psychiatrist appointment and he’s put me on several medications that have stabilized my mood (thank god!). Hopefully I won’t have to stay on them too long, but for now it’s such a relief to know the end of my depression is in sight.

The slideshow above is of me and my boys during happier times . . . why can’t they stay 5 forever?

Pssst! Wanna know a secret? (part 2) . . . Entry for January 26, 2007

Where was I before time so rudely interrupted? That’s right, I was on my knees again, sucking Lars’ cock in front of the couch. I had my long raven pulled back from my face so the strands wouldn’t interfere with my blow job (I hate when that happens, lol). As I nibbled and licked and looked up into his appreciative eyes, my mouth started moaning around the cock penetrating my face.

I love it when a man enjoys watching his cock slide in and out of my mouth. It’s so erotic, when our eyes connect, and I watch the pleasure his face. I makes my panties wet, if I’m wearing any, lol. Also the thrill (I must honestly admit) that we were doing something wrong in the living room where he spends time with his wife and the risk of being caught was making my pussy pulse.

He his travelling hands stroked my back on their trek down to their final destination, my ass. He seems to really love my soft, round bubble butt a lot! His cock was getting harder and harder by the second, filling my mouth and aiming for the back of my throat, trying not to gag. I stopped stroking his cock and reached down with my trembling right hand and started playing with my pussy, never missing a lick.

My God I was soaked! I know this sounds weird, but I suspect pussy juices emit potent pheromones (maybe it’s my bush, or just my love of all pussy in general). And I’ve also been told (I know this sounds conceited, but just I’m just stating facts) that my pussy is pretty tasty. So I fingered my self and got my digits all wet and creamy, removed my hand and raised it to his mouth for a taste, where he licked my cream off his fingers.

Funny thing happened then, it dawned on me at that point that Lars had never eaten my pussy, though he’d been all up in it with my dildo and vibe. He thoroughly enjoyed making me cum all those times, but I started wondering what was up with the no oral sex for me thing? But I quickly put that mood killing thought out of my mind and just concentrated enjoying the moment.

As soon as I started gagging on his cock, I couldn’t wait; I had to have him inside my dripping wet pussy.
I raised up off my knees and turned around, putting my pussy and phat ass right in his face, letting him have a good look. “Mmmmm . . .” he said kissing both cheeks as I spit on my fingers and unnecessarily wet my swollen, pink pussy lips even more.

I scooted back, grabbed an ass cheek in each hand while his fist held his cock tightly upright, and slowly I lowered my body down, savoring ever inch along the way, pulsing my pussy muscles tight on his hardon. I guess another thing I’m vain about is my outstanding pussy muscle control, lol.

I can squeeze real tight, or try to push him out while shoving myself down on his dick harder. I can fuck a guy and not have to move up or down at all. More chicks should learn this trick, it drives men fucking nuts! (My hot sex tip for the month, lol). I sat there on his lap, internally fucking his stiff cock, and then started gyrating my hips with him still deep inside me.

I had good training in moving my hips seductively as a lap dancer back in the 80’s the Mitchell Brother’s O’Farrell St, Theatre in San Francisco (of “Deep Throat” and Linda Lovelace fame). It was something similar to fucking thorough clothes, for about a dollar per 30 seconds or so, but that’s another story for another day, lol.

I then leaned forward, reached behind me and grabbed an ass cheek in each hand, and spread them apart, giving him excellent view of his cock fucking me from behind, lol. I wish I could watch a man fuck me from his point of view, but I don’t have a video cam anymore, I suspect that he wanted to fuck me in the ass, but that’s only something I do when I’m in love, so I knew that wasn’t going to happen.

Instead I reached behind me and stuck my finger in my own ass, (hell yea it feels good!) and got really turned on feeling his cock fuck my pussy through that thin wall that separates both holes. He started pumping my pussy faster, when I took the other hand and started rubbing my clit and the top of his dick while we fucked. I could feel my pussy squirt as I moaned loudly and started orgasming.

Sliding my pussy down on his cock as far as it would go, I ground Lars’ dick in to my g-spot while squeezing my muscles tightly on the shaft and came even more. I leaned backward and placed his hands on my tits under my thermal shirt, while I bounced away on my firm, fleshy chair. Leaning forward I fucked him just faster when he gasped “If you don’t stop I’m gonna cum!”

Well that statement just sent me over the edge and I could feel my cum dripping down onto the balls that were lightly slapping into my clit. I came hard again leaned back, gasping “Go for it Dude!” and squeezed and pulsed my pussy as tight and fast as it would go, which just made me orgasm even more and finally set him off.

I felt him start to tense and shake and soon my already wet pussy started filling up as he kissed and moaned into my ear. I didn’t want to stop, and every time I twitched my pussy tighter, I felt him spasm again inside me . I sat there in his lap with his arms around me for a few minutes while our passion subsided, but then reality kicked in and I got up to clean myself in his bathroom.

He offered me a towel and a shower and I asked him “Dude! Are you crazy? We can’t afford for me to get caught in your shower over here!” He laughed and smiled, thanking me “You’re so right!” I could tell he appreciated my thoughtfulness, but there was no way I was going to take a chance getting caught in a compromising position over his house. I try to live a major drama free life (yea right, like that shows, lol).

I quickly put my pants back on, and went into his bathroom where he was taking a quick rinse to wash me off of him. I opened the shower door and he turned towards me and I watched the water rain down all over his body. I grabbed him by the hips and drew his dick into my mouth again, gently sucking, and licking and tasting every inch of his semi.

It was a turn on, squatting down with drops of water intermittently dripping down my face and making my hair damp and cling to my head, while he moaned in pleasure. I got up so he could dry off and we went back in the kitchen and talked about his home life some more. My heart went out to him, because I don’t like to see anyone unhappy, and we hugged, kissed and held each other off and on during our conversation.

By this time it was after noon, and I reluctantly had to drag myself away. He didn’t seem to want me to go either, but told me to call him the next day first thing in the morning and we’d try to hook up again. I was ecstatic! That sex session had barely whetted my, er, rather large sexual appetite and I wanted some more.

So with plans made for the next day, and I went next door to my friend’s house on a flimsy (but plausible) excuse to see how she was doing. OK, OK, and also to check if my car had been seen next door. She was in the middle of a serious financial crisis and was very upset (understandably). Panic had set in for so we talked and I tried to calm her down and offer some possible solutions.

We talked for a bit and then as I was leaving, she asked me how long I was over at her uncles’ house. I honestly told her, I wasn’t sure cause I was too excited going over there to notice the time, but I didn’t tell her that part. I said we had just talked about him hauling away metal.

Then I quickly changed the subject by going on about how HUGE his 11-month-old Rottweiller was getting. Lars’ dog is so big it can stand in front of his kitchen table and rest his chin on it! It was obvious that I was changing the subject, but she was so upset that I don’t think she noticed.

I was excited about seeing him the next day, but promised myself I wouldn’t get upset if he cancelled. I planned on making him biscuits and gravy for breakfast and surprising him with a morning picnic. The day before he told me that his wife makes only pancakes or Poptarts for breakfast and he hates both, so I decided to do something nice.

Also I wanted to make sure he had enough fuel to go more than one round with me this time this time. I had even went to Wal-Mart and bought a sexy, slinky top/dress that was on clearance with some of my dwindling cash supply (I had 69$ left to last me 2 weeks, I’m wearing it in the picture above). I wanted everything to be perfect because I knew his layoff ends this next Monday and it was probably the last time we’d be able to hook up for a while.

Well, to make a long story short, he never came over, and never answered my phone or text messages. I kicked myself in the ass for being so goddamn stupid . . . again no less! So it’s been days now since I’ve heard from him, and I left him a couple more unanswered generic messages, all very friendly, after all I’m not going to go psycho over this guy.

Sure I was kinda falling in love with him (I freely admit it!) but I’m not one to chase after lost causes. Those crazy, juvenile days of stalking are over for me, though I have done just that in the past. Realistically, it’s just not smart to play in your own back yard with someone else’s toys, that kind of shit can get you killed in Redneckland.

So yesterday I deleted his number off my cell phone and today sent him a final text message. This is what I wrote: “Hi Lars, I can take a hint, your silence says it all. It’s just as well, I was halfway falling in love with you anyways, and that’d be stupid of me. Call me when you’re single again, if you want, otherwise goodbye.” So there you are, my short but sweet (and hopefully last) affair with a married man (you’re right, never say never, lol).

I have no regrets, other than it sure would have been nice to have some steady lovin’ with someone that I felt some close connection to, though I still never could figure out why. But who can rationalize feelings anyway? Sometimes they just happen whether we like them to or not, and it totally sux ass when it’s one sided on your part. Realizing when to give up, now THAT’s the hard part.

Oh well, you live and (hopefully) you learn . . .

Pssst! Wanna know a secret? (part 1) . . . Entry for January 25, 2007

OK, I haven’t been posting EVERYthing that has been going on in my life lately, mostly due to the fact that I’m trying to protect the guilty. By the time you (dear reader, lol) finally read this though, it (probably) won’t matter anymore, or at least I hope it won’t.

Considering my current shitty emotional/mental state, it’s not good for me to keep all of this in. I can’t "publicly" post this right now because the parties involved have told me to keep it on the down low. So I’m gong to at least write it al out and get it out of my system.

I have been having an affair for the last few weeks with "Lars", the married guy who lives next door to my friend down the road. I know, I know, like when I wrote about him the first time (On being stupid . . . Entry for December 17, 2006), I know I’m being stupid, but I don’t care.

I "feel" something with this guy (even though I know better) that I haven’t felt with the other men I’ve been with since my last relationship ended. I don’t even have a clue as to why I’m so physically attracted to him, considering he’s not really my "type" (he’s a little older than me, for one).

He’s a very passionate lover even with the occasional "Mr. ED" problems. I’m attracted to him in so many different ways, but most of all it’s how I feel when I have my arms around him, and he’s holding me tight, it just feels so "right".

I know what you’re thinking, it’s the fact that he’s married and I can’t have him that makes me want him, but you’re wrong. I’ve had my chance with JD (remember him? he’s married too), and I don’t want him because he’s married. Well that and I’m not attracted to him in the least like I am Lars.

Remember too, about my conviction concerning not letting a married man penetrate me? I threw that rule straight out the window after Lars kissed me for the first time. I don’t know why, but I wanted him that first time really, really bad.

The next time we got together, he had hiked a half a mile through the woods to come see me at my trailer. He left his truck in his own driveway so no one would see it at my place and say something. He asked my not to say anything to my friend about us seeing each other and I agreed. The last thing I want is for him to get in trouble.

That time he came over was really fucking hot! We sat in the living room and got stoned, listening to Nine Inch Nails sing "Closer" ("I want to fuck you like an animal . . ."). I was already barely dressed, wearing only a scarf around my hips in an accentuating form of modesty, lol.

It wasn’t long before I had his pants off and was making love to him with my mouth. Of course it didn’t stop there and we spent the whole morning (3 hrs) making love in my bed. Sex with Lars is so . . . it’s hard to describe. I guess you would say sensual and erotic, but very, very comfortable as well. Which is surprising, because we haven’t known each other all that long to have achieved that level of comfort.

I’m not inhibited whatsoever, so ever since we first started having sex, I’ve always included my toys. He seems to enjoy the hell out of watching my pussy squirt and throb, and I love watching his face while he does it (grin). His wife (long story there) is this little bitty skinny thing, but he really seems to enjoy every inch of my warm, soft, plush body too.

He loves watching my face (whether his cock is in my mouth or not, hehehe) and is constantly telling me how beautiful I am (who doesn’t like to hear that, lol?). And it’s not just the physical compatibility, comfort and attentiveness that is such an attraction, I really like him as a friend and person.

I honestly did try staying away from him, but when I saw his truck drive down the road Sunday, I couldn’t resist and I called his cell phone. I asked him if he still collected scrap metal for recycling, cause I have an old metal futon that needs carting off. It was a lame excuse, I know, but plausible, lol.

He told me he did, and to give him a call this morning, which I did first thing. At first his phone was off so I left a voice message. About an hour later I tried again, but this time I text messaged him saying he could pick up the metal anytime and I hoped he had a good day.

I was disappointed once again, told myself I was being stupid and anyways what the hell did I expect? Not long after my text message he called me though, and my ignorant little heart skipped a beat. He wanted to see me, he said, but there was some major drama going on with his 16-year-old stepdaughter at school.

He promised to call me after taking a shower and finding out whether or not his wife and/or Mother in law would be coming home early. Mentally I prepared myself for the let down, but surprisingly he called me back an hour later and said everything was OK. He said he had just finished rolling a blunt and if I wanted to, I could come over and smoke it with him.

I was a little bit nervous about going over there (naturally), but figured fuck it, if he doesn’t care, than why should I? Every time we’ve gotten together I’ve made coffee for us, and it’s been nice to share a cup with who appreciates it for a change. So now "having coffee" has taken on new meaning

I parked behind his pickup and went inside. I knew my friend next door would probably see my car and ask questions. So Lars told me if anyone asked, I was just over there asking about him picking up some scrap metal in my yard. I don’t like lying to anyone, but I’ll respect someone’s wishes, as long as it’s within reason.

I brought the coffee in the kitchen, set it down and hugged him hard, breathing in his masculine scent. Mmmm, he felt so good (so right) in my arms. I softly kissed his face and confessed that I had missed him and had tried staying away, but it was no good. I wanted him too much. Like I said, I know I was being stupid.

We went into the living room and smoked the blunt and soon got to talking. I came right out and asked him why the hell he married a woman that he has to hide his true self from (he can’t get high around her, etc.) and is now so unhappy with, after less than a year being married.

He explained that they’ve known each other more than 15 years (she was his best friend’s wife at one time) and when they were dating, things were OK. But once they got married, she changed, apparently, and not for the better. I decided I didn’t really care why, I was just glad he wasn’t happy and wanted to share some of his time with me.

Stretching out on the couch, I laid my head in his lap and watched him while the told the tale, but couldn’t concentrate. I wanted to kiss those lips, not watch them talk. So I did just that, ending any serious conversation we might have had at that point, lol. After a few minutes of making out, he got up go to take a piss, but I had other plans.

I got up too, and dropped to my knees in front of him. I wanted to feel his cock throb in my mouth, hehehe. That had it’s desired effect, as I opened my eyes and looked up into his. I tasted him thoroughly, and watched erotic expressions flit across his face. Damn my panties were wet!

"Mmmm, you better go take a piss" I laughed, taking his cock out of my mouth. I had to stop before his dick got so hard it would be aiming at the ceiling, lmao! While he was gone, I took off the dark green velour pants (and pink panties) I had on, so now all I was wearing was a long sleeved mans thermal underwear shirt.

He’s got a small aquarium in his living room, and I bent over to check out the fish. Yea, I knew I was posing there with my big, round, naked ass sticking all out, and hard nipples poking thru my shirt, but it did have the desired effect. He walked back into the living room with an "Oh my God . . ."

He stood behind me, dropped his shorts and stroked my ass with his cock as I sensuously rubbed up against him. We played like that for a while, kissing and touching each other, then cam up for air and sat back down and finished smoking the blunt. I was pretty stoned by then and purring like a kitten as he stoked me with his hands.

Hmmm, this post is a lot longer than I anticipated, I’ll finish it tomorrow . . .

Anywebcam . . . Entry for January 24, 2007

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