Personal growth is a good thing . . . Entry for March 31, 2007

I had a very nice lunch yesterday with my friend Mo. He caught me on my cell on while I was on my way into town to get my sons medical records for his Job Corps admissions counselor. We decided to leave my car parked where I got the records at, and drove off in his car to get some fast food (I recommend Arby’s Chicken Salad Wrap, lol).

He’d said “we needed to talk” (Uh Oh) and he wanted to do it face to face. Of course alarm bells went off in every direction. I know he reads my blog all the time, so I knew he was aware of my inner thoughts and feelings. But I guess I did my curbside therapy went a little too well, because he decided it would be better to end it like this with lunch in Ben Hawes State park.

It was a beautiful overcast day outside as I sat across from him at the red painted picnic table and tried to nibble delicately on my American burrito, but I was hungry, lol! After the food was all consumed with small talk, he finally got down to the point: He decided that our deliciously tempting plans for early next week were going to have to be cancelled.

His explanation being he wanted to take the higher road, and do the right thing. I joke about it, but I do have another nickname, it’s “Temptress of the Faithful”(it’s in my profile, lol) that even predates thesexy.tech nickname. As I’ve said before, I can be a little spoiled brat when I don’t get my way.

People will tell you, I stomp my foot and stick out my bottom lip in a big pout if I don’t get what I want sometimes. Believe you me, I’m well aware of my faults, lol. But I could tell this was really hurting Mo to tell me this cause in the short time we’ve known each other, we’ve really enjoyed each other’s company and on many different levels too, not just sexually..

He said what got him to thinking was when I was pondering in my last post if I was the only one he “cheated” with, and to be technical, we never really did fuck. But oh was it awesome anyways, mmmm. . . well he said he didn’t want there to be any doubts between us, just in case after he gets his life back together and we see each other again.

I’ll give him one thing, he’s got a lot more moral strength than most men in his situation, that’s for damn sure. I watched his color changing green/brown/gold eyes swim in liquid color. He says I have very dark sensuous eyes, of course that melts me and we talk some more, but I don’t try to talk him out of his decision.

Mo made the right choice of course, but I still don’t have to like it . . .

And the answers are in . . . Entry for March 30, 2007

You know how sometimes you just got to get everything out in the open, to have it stare you blindly in the face, before you finally listen to your own self, even though it’s a reflection of everyone’s thoughts around you? I probably knew the answer to my last post’s question from the day I read his email about having a girlfriend, but it felt so good to be with someone again, even if just for a little while.
He says he’s getting hammered in the polls (lol), but he’s hammering himself as well. Intensity rushed in, alongside longing, desire and affection, unlooked for, but there, nevertheless. But could I ever trust someone who would cheat, even if it was just to be with me (or was I one of many)? I am by no means secure in my self-image stability. But that doesn’t matter now.

Being “just friends” will be OK with me, one can never have too many friends. This whole situation got me to thinking about my last ex, Shawn, who I still keep in touch with though when he left me he went back to his ex-wife and kids. He was also over ten years younger than me, like the situation with my friend and his girlfriend, and also we were together nearly 3 years kind of like Mo and his girlfriend too.

It got me starting to wonder if Shawn was thinking of our future and our age difference, is that when our relationship fell apart? I dunno, but Shawn has been emailing me several times this week, I’m gonna ask him. Mo and me have been discussing our hopeless situation, and we’ve decided that he’s a dumbass, lol. He reads my blog (as well as his buddy) so I have to make him pretty anonymous, but talk about him I shall (waves to Mo, gives buddy the finger, lol).

We know that in his current state of affairs (no pun intended) continuing a “physical” relationship wouldn’t work for either of us, emotions would drift in for sure, and feelings would get hurt. So now we’re trying to keep the banter light and stay away from the heavy stuff underneath. Neither of us expected this strong attraction that suddenly built up.

But I put up my self-built protective wall and haven’t released the full depth of my being during passion play (not to mention technically we haven’t had sex), that would be unfair on my part. But we do enjoy each other’s “stimulating” company, though this week’s pleasant pastime has to come to an end soon, and we both know it. The ending date is set for Tuesday morning or night, depending on my schedule. I might end up in court that day.

Well, wish me luck as I travail though this emotional quicksand I call my life story . . .