Forcing myself to write . . . Entry for May 5, 2008

I’m forcing myself to write this while stoned and watching "Deadliest Catch". Holding everything in like I have been is doing me no good. Recently my ex boyfriend got back in touch with me and we talked for hours over several days and passed an email or two. I had sent him hello messages and replied to some supposedly by him, but were actually written by his ex who knew his password.

I had thought so just by the way she typed, Darkshard can’t spell for shit and she could, lol. We reminisced about good times and touched on the bad ones and how we had everything going wrong all at the same time and how our break up inevitable, but not due to lack of love.

So for a week, I was happy, even though he had a new girlfriend (who was in jail at the time). It was heaven being able to talk to him again, to feel his love. I decided then that I was going to save all my money for months and move myself, dogs and remaining minor son to Louisiana. I had made myself a goal and was going to stick to it.

The last time he called me, it was in the evening and he was at his ex’s with his girlfriend, but he sneaked off to talk to me. He told me how much he loved me but was giving me mixed messages, saying how he can’t make it alone in LA. I told him I understood, but I still wanted to move there, I didn’t care who he was with as long as I got to share some life with him. He told me again how much he loved me and said he’d call the next day.

Well I’ve been waiting a couple weeks now for that "next day" and still no call or email. . .

Down in a Hole . . . Entry for April 20, 2008

This video from Alice in Chains (Down in a Hole) represents what my life has been like for months now. No good news to report really, my depression has been getting the better of me. My job history has been nearly non existent for months, so cash flow has been bringing me down and I don’t really have a love life to speak of. It seems the couple of guys I hooked up with only call me when they’re drunk, which is another bummer.

Even writing has gotten to be something that has suffered due to my mood, and that was always my one outlet that never let me down. Winter is over and spring is here, but it gives me no comfort either. Living in the same house with my ex husband has turned out to be more difficult than I imagined. His alcoholism and attitude has taken a toll on my mental/emotional well being.
I’m trying to pull myself out of this hole, but it’s harder than a man’s dick while watching a porn flick. I’m still on my meds, but the benefits have worn off.

One major problem is that I miss living in the country so much. That really surprised me since I've lived in the city most of my life, but I had peace living in that trailer next to the little lake. Being able to walk outside naked (or nearly so) and commune with nature, fishing whenever I wanted, taking walks through the woods, I miss it all so much. But I don’t miss the slow dialup anymore, lol.

Anyways, Happy 420 y’all . . .

I’ve just realized my sex life is like a . . . Entry for January 17, 2008

I’ve come to the conclusion that moving back to the city has stifled my writing creativity and that really sux ass dude. Now I find that it takes getting myself really stoned to motivate me, to write so here I am. I got really stoned with a certain married Cuban male I’ve had some fun with over the summer and once in the fall in my basement, but I can’t remember if I blogged about it or not.

Anyways, I get this call early this evening from Frank (mmmm, that sexy Latino way he has) and we chit chat for a bit and I thought he was calling for Ed since he’s done some carpet and floor work for him, but Ed was sleeping. I asked him if he knew where to get some decent smoke. He said he only had a little, but I could come over to his house and smoke it with him.

You don’t have to ask me twice so I said sure, but I was still in my PJ’s and would have to get dressed and stuff, but he said no problem. Now mind you I have been sick in bed all day with a cold, nursing my cough with Codeine cough medicine and look like shit, but time was ticking.

I took a quick whore’s bath and threw on a two piece black crushed velvet looking pant outfit. A little eyebrows, some eyeliner and deep colored lip gloss, grab my coat and I was out the door. I was now a woman on a mission, lol. I had only been to his house once before and it was in the daylight, but I was sure I would be able to spot his van with work trailer attached.

It was misty-rainy while I drove, and I was nervous, trying to remember where the house was. I didn’t have his cell phone number to call and ask for directions either, so I was on my own. Just when I thought I had driven too far down the road, I spotted the house and pulled in the driveway. As I got out of the car, I wondered just how much time we would have together before his wife got home.

He answered the door with a smile and after closing the door behind me, we hugged saying it had been a long time, with him running his hand down to my ass. I took off my trench coat (mine looks a little better than Colombo’s) and wasted no time asking where the pot was.

We went into the kitchen and smoked some killer bud from his gravity bong (google gravity bong) and got really stoned. While he loaded the bowl, I lowered my hand down his body and stroked his stiffening cock through his shorts. I kept coughing though, cause it was some strong shit and I do have a cold, but lowered his shorts little by little.

Another toke on the bong and subsequent coughing fit later, I had his shorts half off and his cock in my mouth. I bent low and licked and sucked while he guided the back of my head down with one hand as the other hand played with my tits. Not that I needed to be guided, but I liked it anyways (grin).

When I finally came up for air, I said "We need a better place to do this and I want to smoke one more hit first". I guess I was in super suck mode, because when I inhaled the bong hit I sucked up some water. Good thing Frank had just changed the water. He gestured over to the sink and spit the bong-water out as I exhaled and had another coughing fit.

My head was spinning in a good way as I walked into the living room and started taking off my boots, then my clothes. I sat naked on the couch and watched him undress. I admired his tight young body, well muscled and sexy. My pussy got wet as he came over to me and my waiting mouth.

I swallowed his cock as far as I could, but Frank is well endowed and my throat was sore from my cold. It wasn’t long before I grabbed for my purse and started hunting for my "lucky" condom (lucky because if I used it, it meant I was getting lucky, lol). Purses gather so many old receipts and insurance and business cards, among other junk and though I’d seen it in my purse a million times before, I couldn’t find it now.

That was no problem though, Frank had his own and we got busy. I was going to lay on my back on the living room carpet when he whispered "No, on all fours, I like it that way" and I grinned. I think his main attraction to me is my ass, he likes to look at it from above he told me, so I was glad to comply.

I stuck my ass up in the air and balanced myself with one arm while the other hand fed his cock to my hungry pussy. I tilted my hips back so he could penetrate me deeper and started playing with my clit while he fucked me and got the juices flowing.

Moans escaped as I rubbed my clit faster in time with his thrusts, and after only a few minutes, he pulls out and says "I can’t do this now, I keep looking at the clock." I turned my head and looked at him and it seemed that the tip was filled to me, so I guess he was embarrassed he came so fast. I think the danger of it all took him over the edge too soon

He said "This is wrong . . ." (which of course it was) and some other stuff, but I didn’t let that bother me. I started dressing while he went into the bathroom to clean up and get rid of the evidence. By the time he came out I had my trench back on and was reaching for my purse.

He was apologizing and he said it was just the place, blah blah blah, so I told him to call me tomorrow. I got a piece of the small bud he had left so I could get stoned later and put it in my cigarette pack and headed towards the door. I hugged him and grabbed his ass and invited him over tomorrow.

And that’s why I’ve just realized my sex life is like a porn movie script . . .

Reunions . . . Entry for December 12, 2007

It seems to be a time for reunions for me, I had married friends come visit me from Evansville earlier last week, which was a nice surprise. I hadn’t seen them since we had a 3-some on his birthday last year. Even though he was in Louisville for medical tests (back injury) it was a nice visit.

I’m still scheduled to fly to California today for my family reunion, but was at one accidentally this past Saturday. It was an 18th birthday party for my ex-sister-in-law’s daughter. I had forgotten we were both pregnant at the same time and my twins will be 18 in April. All seven brothers and sisters were there, along with most of their kids and their kids and their kids’ kids. The pizza parlor we were at was packed.

I hadn’t seen some of Ed’s relatives for a looooong time, and it seemed all the kids I remembered as being little were all grown up with young children of their own. I didn’t even recognize two of his sisters that I used to be close to. Most surprising, more like shocking, was that fact that Ed’s Mother, a devout Jehovah’s Witness, came to the party!

I say shocking because no one ever expected her to be there, or even knew she had been invited. Being a Jehovah’s Witness they don’t believe in celebrating holidays like the rest of the family, so she never comes to family events, but her religion does let her recognize birthdays and anniversaries.

I felt a little bit out of place, a stranger among family members, but I was cool with it and just watched and enjoyed everyone’s company. I was kinda bummed cause I was driving the kids (not sure how Ed made it there, we had an argument and he was MIA for a day) so I couldn’t have a drink with everyone like I wanted to. But I had a good time anyways, even though we left kind of early.

Only two more days to go before I leave for San Diego and I’m so psyched! I borrowed a carry on suitcase from my favorite niece (gorgeous girl, 31, looks a little like Uma Thurman) this afternoon and had a nice visit with her. I brought over some smoke and we puffed ourselves silly while chatting in the kitchen.

I asked about the pics she took of the party and she brought out her camera. She told me that when she was checking out the pictures she noticed "orbs" in some of the group photos. "Orbs" are spheres of light that can be seen in digital (more often than regular) photography and is suggestive of spirits or ghosts.

I have seen orbs in photos before, on a trip to New Orleans French Quarter when I went on a "ghost tour". At the end of the tour, some of the people were comparing pics and we saw orbs in several of the photos, so I believe. The funny thing in this case is that we get the same orbs from different cameras in some of the pics. Creepy, huh?

When we talked I learned she likes to play pool too, and we both suggested we should hang out more often. Something to look forward to when I get back. I even suggested she hook me up with a date, lol, I’ve been alone way too long. I need some company and can barely tolerate being around Ed here lately. With his blood pressure meds and poor health here lately, he can’t even get it up.

I haven’t really been horny lately though. Since I’m off my bi-polar/depression meds I have upsetting dreams several times every night so I’m not getting any good sleep. I’ve made an appointment for the day after I’ve come back from the reunion to get back on them. That is if I get my medical card back like I’m supposed to.

See you all when I get back! . . .

Sentimental Music . . . Entry for December 1, 2007

Throughout my life I’ve been surrounded by music of all kinds. When I was 16 I "inherited" my ex’s 500 album collection (those are those circular vinyl black things you used to play on a record player). I remember the first 2 albums I bought myself when I was 13, Led Zeppelin’s "Houses of the Holy" and Starz "Violation". I wore a groove into those records, lol.

I can even remember the first 45’s I borrowed from my Mom and played on my Mickey Mouse record player when I was 5 or so. Otis Redding’s "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay" was my favorite. Songs can trigger memories and emotions I thought long buried and make me feel just like it was yesterday.

Earlier this week I went shopping at the local Flea Market with my ex Ed and he picked up some used cassette tapes for a buck apiece. We’ve been getting along pretty good lately since I’ve learned he never means what he says when he’s pissed off and it’s best just to ignore it. We brought the tapes home and he played them to make sure they worked.

I was expecting some old country music or classic rock, but I never expected him to find a copy of "The Best of Bread" by (of course) the group Bread. That tape had particular significance to both of us, because it was one of the tapes we played endlessly when we first got together 25 years ago. Talk about bringing up the past.

As I listened to it, all those feeling I had for him in my late teens/early twenties came flooding back like a tsunami. Suddenly I started crying as I remembered how MUCH I loved him back then, loved him with my whole being, body and soul and it made me so sad.

The songs were all written by David Gates, "Make it With You", "Everything I Own", "Diary", "Baby I’m-A Want You", "It Don’t Matter to Me", and "If". We usually only listened to side A, the best of all their ballads, and we both can still recite them all word for word, even though he doesn’t have much of a singing voice, lol.

I got up from where I was sitting and hugged him as tight as I could and I cried, whispering in his ear "I used to love you sooo much". He hugged me back, and I guess through my tears he didn’t hear me right because he said "I love you too". We listened to the whole first side and I cried a little at every song.

It was especially poignant to me, because I used to play the tape and cry my heart out when we were broken up. I remembered our breakups felt like a little death to me back then, and how much I mourned that loss. I was so young and so was he and we both made many mistakes I could never forget, but I still loved him with all my heart.

That was 25 years ago and even though we are both different people now, we can still clearly remember those first years together, good times and bad. I really surprised myself how quickly that music brought tears to my eyes and an ache in my heart. All those hopes and dreams of youth. Never in a million years did I think our lives would turn out like this.

But I have no regrets . . .

Surviving Black Friday . . . Entry for November 27, 2007

For those of you that don’t know (mostly outside the US), Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, is the official kickoff of the Christmas shopping season. Stores open VERY early, usually 5am, with limited spectacular deals. I’ve waited in line with the other shoppers at Wal-Mart on Black Friday morning before, but this year they had such good deals at Best Buy (electronics/appliance superstore) I couldn’t resist.

I decided to sneak out the house around midnight so my sons wouldn’t know, and stashed a blanket and folding chair outside to take with me so I’d be warm and at least somewhat comfortable. When I arrived at 12:30 in the morning, the parking lot was already half full and a ton of people were lined up for about a block it seemed, and that’s no exaggeration.

I struck up a conversation with 3 young ladies that were sitting next to me after this man with a Caribbean accent started sermonizing to them and others up and down the line. My "Motherhood" instinct jumped out and I told them they should just blow people off like that next time since they were young (2 high school girl and a nursing student), and you just never know. I mean crazy people preach too.

That’s when I found out that the girls all knew each other from the Unitarian Church, otherwise known as Moonies for Reverend Sun Yun Moon. Those of you around my age might remember the Mass Unitarian wedding they had in New York in the 80’s and as it turns out the high school girls’ parents were married there.

I found it fascinating and wanted to know more about the Unitarian Church, so we got into a religious discussion. As we all sat and shivered in late night/early morning cold we talked about a lot of things to kill the time. Well, I did most of the talking since I had had several strong cups of coffee to keep me awake and I was wired.

Finally 3am came along and that’s when they started passing out "tickets" (vouchers) for the "doorbuster" specials. If you didn’t have a ticket for the item, you wouldn’t be able to buy it at that price. I wanted to buy a laptop for $229 and 160 gig hard drives for 49$ and kept hoping they would make it down to my end of the line before running out but alas! No luck.

Well I wasn’t going to leave empty handed, so I went in when the doors officially opened at 5am. By that time people were trying to cut in line and I was bitching very loudly at this one old jerk who had cut in ahead of us when the cop watching the door told me to shut up so I did, I’m no dummy. The Best Buy workers didn’t seem to care either, which pissed me off even more since we had been standing in line all night.

The store really had their shit together though, I will admit. They had passed out maps of the store and had everything really organized and plenty of employees on hand to help the customers. I found the video game console I wanted and hunted down the girls I had been talking to all night and said how much I enjoyed our talk and hoped they found what they were shopping for.

Did you get all your Christmas shopping done yet? . . .

@#^$%#$ ex-husbands! (but some good news too). . . Entry for November 13, 2007

I just got into an argument with my ex, Ed. My youngest son is starting to get into Emo, a form of Goth without the Gothic attitude, but similar in dress, hair, etc. He got a pair of "Trips" pants from a friend, black baggy jeans sewn with turguiose thread and a bunch of metal rings and laces that clink when he walks. A few days ago he painted his nails black over a friend’s house and tonight his Dad was telling him to take the polish off.

I explained to Ed that it’s just a freedom of expression and should be allowed to change his appearance anyway he wants. We got into a big fight and he tried to turn it around, arguing against my earlier punishment of the same son (I yanked his internet privileges for the night for verbally objecting to having to do a chore) and said he didn’t object to my discipline.

I told him there was a difference between discipline problems and him wanting to dictate how they dress. One of my twins used to like wearing nothing but sweat pants, but when he went to live with Ed, he was made to get rid of them and wear jeans or slacks. I thought that was bullshit, but he wasn’t living with me then, so I couldn’t say anything about it.

So now Ed comes downstairs to my basement lair and said "I’m not going to fight with you, but from now on I’m not going to discipline them at all from now on, I’ll just leave it to you." To which I replied "What good are you then?" as he walked back ups stairs.

I believe in freedom of expression in all it’s many forms, whether I approve of it or not. And with kids (as you probably know) the more you disapprove of something, the more they want to do it. I figure this Emo thing is just a passing phase and no big deal, but it seems that to Ed it’s a reflection on him. How idiotic!

From this little tiff about some stupid nail polish to abandoning your parental duties just seems so absurd. He just came downstairs again (with dirty laundry) and we got into another fight about the same thing. He said I could handle all the disciplinary issues for a full month and I told him I’d been doing it alone for 17 years and that was bullshit.

I told him there was no comparison between disagreements on discipline issues and our son’s right to express him self, it was like comparing apples to eggs (though they both are food). We fought back and forth and he brought back up an argument we had last week.

That fight started when he removed a cow skull that my ex boyfriend and my son found in creek that had sentimental value to me. I had just brought home a skull castle for my aquarium to go with the cow skull on the wall when my son told me it wasn’t there anymore, Ed had taken it upstairs to his room.

When I found out I got pissed! I have very few possessions that have sentimental value and he had no right to take it. That’s when he told me he took it on purpose just to get a reaction out of me. I told him that Shawn (my ex) had given it to me and his reply was "Fuck Shawn" and I retorted "Fuck you, find your own ride to your DUI class!"

Then the fighting really commenced and he threw up in my face (again) that all the furniture in my bedroom came from him. So I took every last bit of furniture (futon, table, lamp, dresser, etc.) and put it all in the family area of the basement cause I didn’t want it thrown in my face anymore. He tried to tell me to put it back in my room, but I told him I have my own things still in storage and didn’t need his things.

I can be a stubborn bitch when it comes to principles and I get so sick and tired of him bringing up ancient history. It’s like he doesn’t understand "That was then, this is now". Why I let him get under my skin I don’t know, but he just what buttons to push to piss me off. I know I should just ignore his ridiculous behavior, but it’s just so hard not to.

OK, I’ve vented long enough, on to the good news! My Nana (grandmother) will be turning 90 this December and the family is planning a reunion the Saturday after her birthday in San Diego. I made my Nana a crocheted granny square quilt last year for her birthday, but what I’ve always wanted to get is a portrait of me, my Mom, Nana, my daughter and grand daughter, all 5 generations of women in our family.

I was talking to my Mom about it when she offered to buy me a ticket to see the family before it’s too late to see them all together again. I’ll be visiting for 4 days in the middle of December and seeing loved ones I haven’t seen in decades. Not to mention trying to find my first "real" love, the father of the daughter I had when I was 16 and he was 23.

That should be an interesting meeting . . .